Dark days

The weather has turned even more, tilting the temperatures downwards.

The husband has gone to his parents', dropping off the presents for the boys for Sinterklaas next week.

Son#1 went to his best friend, and Sons#2 and#3 and I are baking apples in the oven, to be devoured with custard in a little while.

I have wine and studied most of the morning, the boys milling about my feet, underfoot with Lego and big ideas.

I miss my mother with a vengeance, and want to be with her, thinking that it will bring my dad back to me.

My throat gets all lumpy when I think of him, my eyes blur.

.

Rest well

My blood tests and x-rays came back normal, thank goodness.

I was getting worried.

The GP has no idea why my fever persists but thinks that exhaustion is the most likely culprit.

I took a sleeping tablet at 19h00 - and I do adore my drugs, haha.

We'll see how it goes.

Son#1 has gone to Gouda for a rugby tournament, Son#2 and #3 baked muffins with me and I'm sitting down for the first time today, and it's already noon.

This time next week I'll be strolling through Kopenhagen with my friend Estelle.

I can't wait.

My weekend is calm otherwise.

I have new courses to occupy a restless mind.

There are classes and courses to prepare for at work.

And the backlog of cleaning jobs in the house is shocking.

This will be saved for another day.

A.k.a. never.

.

C'est Le Weekend: Discomfort zone

One can get addicted to stress, assuming it is the only way in which to survive & live.
But there is a flip-side of this dirty , dirty coin, which is simply calm and rejecting all that is stressful.

The pneumonia has felled my temper with the boys.
I've actually been nice to them.
I think it is really the fact that I've been away from work that has tempered my moods, and this is key:  Work is the one factor that will change, as soon as is damn-well possible.

One can continue long into a discomfort zone, not realizing the effect of the stressor nor even the possibility of living differently.
But I do.

I'm on my 11th day of fever.
In a mad rush, I had to have lung x-rays taken last night and will have blood tests this morning.
The doctor must think it's serious: I'm getting the results before 5 p.m. - a miracle in itself in the Nether Lands.

Rejecting stress: check.
Calm: check.




.

Conflicting interests

The bad talk I had with my boss 2 weeks ago, seems to have a bit of a tail.
Because I called in sick with this dreaded pneumonia on Friday, he contacted our company doctor to call me in for an assessment of sorts.
This has never happened to me before.
I spoke to the doctor over the phone, told her all about my continuing fever, my second round of antibiotics since the first didn't do the trick and that she could contact my GP if she wanted to.
The doctor told me my aim of going back to work this coming Monday was commendable but unrealistic and that she was giving me an extra week off work just to get better.
Smirk, smirk.

Even the doctor mentioned that she felt something else was at play here, that there were bad feelings involved.
I told her those feelings weren't coming from my side: I just have pneumonia.
Ha.

But.
It highlights the fact that my time there is coming to a close.
I will spend my week wisely, methinks.

Lao Tzu is an old favourite.
But new beginnings scare the bejesus out of me, especially when I wonder where in the world I will EVER fit in, and will I?
I get hermits.
I get moving to Alaska's wilds and never speaking to another human being again.
And I'm sad to say that this is the only reason why I regret having children:  the never-ending perpetuating cycle of human anguish.
People are hyenas.
If you're weak, they will get you.
And I don't like feelings like these.


.

Watch out, world

 

Growth, growth, growth.

 

 

.

Bonbonjour

It's back to the GP for me too.

The husband still has pneumonia and I'm afraid it will be the same for me.

All the kids will be at school, though, and that will be blissful.

The good mother has spoken.

.

Tropicality

Nighttime was short and interrupted, thanks to Son#3.

It's scary to wake up from a melatonin-induced coma to a Chucky-like figure - replete with curls - standing next to your bed, staring at you in the dark.

I didn't sleep much after midnight.

 

 

The husband remains pale and tired. 

He's going back to the doctor this afternoon.

I still have a fever.

It's a nasty virus this year.
 

The boys have a day off from school.

I sent them to the one and only shop in our village to buy bread and sweets, and it's not even 10 o'clock yet.

I'm going to try doing a wee bit of work, but mostly look at my new courses that I enrolled for at 3 a.m.

 

 

What is this insatiable need of mine to fill each and every second with productivity?

A year alone on an island would do me a world of good.

Just to learn how to enjoy quietude again.
To have nothing to do.

Many things I pile on myself (like the studying), but most are not self-imposed.
Most things are necessary actions that someone needs to do.
I just wish someone else would do these things once in a while.

.



Living on a prayer

I'm deliciously back in bed after fixing breakfast and baking muffins with Son#1 and #3.

I have a nice 39 degree buzz going.

I applied for that great job yesterday.

Think I'll start spreading my CV around a bit, and see what else turns up.

This afternoon, Sinterklaas arrives in our village.

Apparently it's our dentist from the neighbouring village.

And then I'll have to go to the shops to sort out the Sinterklaas gifts for Son#1 and #2.

Kids are expensive!!

.

C'est Le Weekend: Afflicted but happy

Although Son#2 and I both went to the doctor's this morning and both came away with pneumonia and some feisty antibiotics, we're quite serene.
All 5 of us have now had/have pneumonia or bronchitis.
Swell.

On the spur of the moment, I bought one of my friend Roelie's paintings. 
And I mean 'bought' because technically, I'll have to wait until Christmas to pay for it.
It's yellow and makes me happy.

The doctor told me to stay home next week, and I think I'll follow her advice.
The weekend ahead is quiet, but I miss having something to study, as odd as that may seem.

The husband feels depressed and sick, always a bad combo.
But the sun is shining.
We have a medical aid to pay for doctors' visits and medicine.
There is food in the house.
I miss the sick days of my youth, when I could just be sick.
Just BE.
Now being sick is just another damn thing to do.

Son#1 is in a good mood so far, and that makes life easy as pie.
Thank our lucky stars.


.

Feeling hot, hot, hot

My fever hovers around 39 degrees, but I feel only tired, not particularly awful.
I went to work to tie up loose ends, then drove home to help ferry kids from Son#1's class to a museum nearby.

By 5 o' clock I had had a shower, and now I'm counting the minutes until I can chuck Son#3 in the shower then quietly disappear along with him to bed.
The poor husband's fever is returning.
We've been better, I can tell you.

Tomorrow I'm applying for a super job.
The husband gave me an empowering peptalk last night and I walked into my office with my head held high.
The crowning touch was a very good student evaluation for the courses I taught in the first quarter, making me smirk with satisfaction.
The words 'eat my shorts' are on the tip of my tongue.
Biding my time, boohahaha....

New word, new hope

This suits my ever-questioning personality down to a tee.

Sigh.

How strange to start the day knowing I don't have to study for anything.
Son#3 and I are going to the doctor so she can listen to his lungs.
I have a fever but feel fine otherwise.

I had meetings with the school teachers of Son#1 and #2 yesterday.
Son#2 is doing fantastically well - can mathematize anything, reading WELL, behaving like a trooper (at school, harhar). 
Son#1's teacher still recommends that we get help - SOON.
He is a dominating presence in class, back-chats the teachers during breaks (Earth, please swallow me), refuses to stick to rules, doesn't always follow instructions.
We HAVE to get help now.
And it might be a good thing.
Son#2 lives in #1's constant shadow, always seeking his approval and guidance.
Academically, Son#1 is capable of much more, although his grades are excellent as they are.
But if he's not interested, then it ain't interesting...

We worry and slalom around and over tantrums and cheekiness and wonder why, WHY did we ever think we would be okay at parenting.
Sometimes loving someone is not sufficient to be symbiotic.

Who knows, perhappiness we'll have a good day.


.

 

.

Rotterdam, take #2

I struggled yesterday.

Sigh.

At least I tried.

Now it's 7 a.m. and I'm waiting for the exam venue to open so I can write the last exam and turn into a human being again.

I love Rotterdam.

I love cities.

Love.

.

Winging it

My exam in an hour.

Cold but sunny in Rotterdam today.

Didn't study much - the husband went to the doctor this morning after nearly 6 days with a helluva fever: pneumonia (a big one).

Later, home and then I will start (and I mean that literally) with studying for my final exam tomorrow morning.

Why do I have 'studying'  as hobby?

Why not cooking?

Or knitting??

.

Purpose

Sometimes there is purpose.
Even if it means that - in order to get to Purpose - I had to stand guard in the upstairs hallway like a damn Storm Trooper at 4-freaking-a.m. to make sure that Son#2 will not wake Son#1 and eventually, Son#3 (which he did then anyway).

While I stood there, I looked on the internet and I don't know how I got onto a website for Low Dose Naltrexone - I wasn't searching for fibromyalgia relief although my pain has been in overdrive the last weeks - but it seems damn promising.
It is even prescribed for cancer, including multiple myeloma, which could have helped my dad.
Methinks I'll be seeing my doctor later this week.

The good husband is still sick, feverish and pale.
I had a stress attack yesterday with 3 boys who made noise, a mess and fought constantly.
A lot of studying lies in wait.
Sigh.
I miss my mother.



.

C'est Le Weekend: Bop & Jive

The poor husband has been in the throes of fever for the past 3 days.

Both he and Son#3 have been afflicted.

Poor things.

It does complicate things a bit.

I'm writing exams on Monday and Tuesday and have yet to study for it.

Between starting my days at 1 or 2 in the mornings and work troubles and tantrumic children who throw things when angry (Son#2) and a back-chatting pre-teen (Son#1 - he's not even 10 forgodssakesssssss!!), and Son#3's chattering and requests for juice/biscuits/attention, I can tell you that I ain't gettin' all that much done.

Oi.

I've made the decision to actively start looking for a new job.

Call it the Seven Year Itch [at this faculty].

The Itch must be appeased.

(I feel that this sentence above should be said loudly, in the rich timbre of a Black Southern Baptist preacher in a blue suit, with a 'Praise Jesus' thrown in at the end for good measure)

Life is too damn short to work with idiots.

.

Oh crap

I had a very, very tough day.
This morning I had an assessment with my boss who then proceeded to 'put me in my place' for speaking up at that faculty meeting way back in August.
It came out of nowhere and I was utterly unprepared.
I don't know what to say.
I have some wonderful colleagues but this is a high stress job that requires a helluvalot of personal time input from me, and, after today's humiliation, I don't know why I'm clinging on to this particular job.
Especially if you fall out of favour with management (the director NEVER greets me)...

I came home, bawled my eyes out and started looking for a new job on the internet.
I even found something interesting.

I'm afraid this whole thing will still continue at work, as the coordinator is backing me up and won't be backing down to management, but I lack the energy for this.
Nor do I have the facility of language - quick arguments in Dutch are not my forte.
Nor am I looking forward to yet another humiliating blow.

Fly, fly away. 


.

A year of travelling

It has been an expensive year.

I went to South Africa.

We've been to Portugal, France, Germany and in 3 weeks' time, I'll be going to Copenhagen for a very, very short trip but a trip nonetheless.

 

 

 I wish I had endless money to travel far more often than the ridiculous amount in this past year alone.

Sigh.

 

I have big expenses coming up again in terms of studies, Sinterklaas (whom I detest) and my much-anticipated trip to see my friend Estelle for one night in Copenhagen.

And for the moment, I'm making do with dresses and pants that are just a wee bit too big but still doable, I think.

 

Son#3 and I are home this morning, and perhaps later we can go wash the car for the Wednesday Car Wash Special of 2 bucks fifty.

Bake biscuits at home for free entertainment (as in, we sit on the kitchen floor, staring at the oven door).

As one grows up, one learns where and when the bargains are to be sourced.

It becomes a game.

 

Only now do I realize the value that money has.

If I had started saving way back when in my twenties, instead of spending it on crap, I might have had a nice nest egg.

Might have, shmight have.

Right?

 

 

 

 

Tough Tuesdays

This morning at 10 a.m. I will have a meeting with a student.

One of those bad news meetings.

Sigh.

He's come to the end of his road at the university where I teach, and I'm the lucky sucker who gets to tell him all about it.

Poor kid.

 

 

I'm a big fan of the late bloomer, myself being one, and also coming from a long line of late, dreaming bloomers.

There are always chances and opportunities to change one's direction.

My parents, at 50, moved to the other side of South Africa, with no jobs in sight, and a brand new mortgage to pay.

It worked out well.

Sometimes you just need a bit of faith in the knowledge that things have a way of working themselves out.

There is a symbiosis in the universe, it seems.

Equilibrium is strived for, and attained through some strange cosmic process of osmosis.

It's just a question of waiting for it.

(And having the patience to do so)

 

 

.

Triangles are my favourite shape

 

The mathematical symbol for change.

I like it.

 

 

.

Sunday Alone

The good husband took all 3 boys with him to my mother-in-law's birthday party, leaving me alone to study and work.

Bliss.

 

 

I washed my hair, actually studied and prepared for the new academic block that starts tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.

 

It's not even 6 p.m. and it's already darkdarkdark outside.

I wonder what time my family will be back.

The house is quiet, and while it is nice to be home alone during daytime, at night it feels lonely.

 

In this quiet pocket, my thoughts speak loudly, and they're far removed from who I used to be a year and then some-ago.

Everything must change.

Nothings stays the same.

(Thank you, Nils Landgren)

 

 

 

 

 

 

My shadow

Stuffing ourselves.

I had extra cream on my creamed cappucino.

No sissy-froth, thankyouverymuch.

We take our cappucinos like real men do, harhar.

That soft toy is Moemfie. 

Moemfie goes everywhere with us.

EVERYWHERE.

Son#3's curls are sagging out due to the dry heat from all the central heating.

Quite frankly, he looks like a mini Barry Manilow.

Sigh.

In the 80s, I was a huge fan.

.

C'est Le Weekend: A dash

There is nothing like something going right for a change to boost your confidence and belief in life itself, however small.

Yesterday's exam was a cinch (or I'll be nose-diving in the mud unexpectedly).

It went well.

Celebrated with a wee glass of wine.

Just a wee one, so I could then have another.

The boys had play dates, and it was quiet at home.
 

I still have to prepare for the exams on the 17th and 18th.

But:

I feel - quite simply - supercharged.

Son#3 and I are having us a wee little celebration this morning.

Grin grin.

.

Well here we go then

 

Calm and peaceful, that's what I am.

 

 

.

Manifesto #1

A lot needs to amend itself without my stirring.
My first exam is tomorrow and 'ill-prepared' doesn't quite cover it.
I know I tend to freak out prematurely.
I know.

I need to ask myself the question though:
Do I really want to live from stressed moment to stressed moment? 

Sometimes one doesn't have the option of free choice.
(Note the oxymoron)
But sometimes one does.
It is a pity, though, that life has been so busy the last oh, say 12 years, that I've hardly had time to come up for air.
Perhaps I am just a nervous type like the mongrel of a midwife told me during Son#1's monster birth when I didn't even know what 'pushing' meant (and would you really WANT to push an almost 11 pound baby out?).
I digress.
Perhaps this is just life, and the picture of 'The Waltons' was  and always will be a story only. 
No-one really lives in peace, do they?

I should let sleeping dogs lie for the moment, at least until stress and pms and exams have passed with time.
And hope for the best. 
What else is there?


.

Horror of horrors

This, then, is the look of terror, and not some narcissistic selfie.

Better yet:

This is the look of sheer terror that has been in its pajamas since 17h30 already:

A silent protest against stress and work and sick children.
 

Note frantic eyes, disheveled hair and hipster-esque glasses: 

I keep thinking those glasses will MAKE me clever.

(They don't)

I am melting down, dear reader.

Fast.

Son#2 vomitted the day away yesterday, still full of energy, mind you.

I've noticed that he can fall asleep with his face pressed up against the wall whilst listening to bedtime stories.

I keep reading even after he has lulled off: the rhythm of reading is soothing and makes me calm.

I still have 200 pages to study before Thursday.

But I'm thinking that this kind of reading won't be making me feel calm at all.

All children, whether with pneumonia or gastrointestinal viruses or whine-itis were sent to school.
I have a mountain of real work I'm running behind on, never mind the studying.
And I'd better do it all, before I am found out to be the fraud that I feel like.
They should call it the 'fraudulent forties', you know.
I'm at that age where I realize that I know nothing, really.
Nothing about nothing.

.

Lunch break for 3

A movie on TV.

Mother and 2 out 3 sons utterly pooped.

A restless night and a zestless day.

Son#2's nausea finally came to fruition (I'll spare you the details).

He and I drove to my office this morning to get my things so I can work from home.

Not that I've done anything yet.

The procrastination is evidence of my lack of motivation.

Son#1's lunch break is almost done.

Meanwhile the trees are emptying their leaves out onto the streets, and the awful realization has dawned that winter is now really on its way.

.

Taking turns

Son#2 woke me at 4 a.m. telling me he was about to vomit.
(Why children announce vomiting and peeing I'll never understand. Think deep voice: 'Mommy I am about to pee/poop/vomit')
Sigh.
Poor bunny.
His asthma is heavy, his coughing copious and now this damn nausea too.

Son#1 is going back to school, his fever gone but his coughing also lingers.
And then His Spoilt Nibs, Son#3, also coughing away but no other signs of illness yet (apart from the recently acquired bad moods, ugly faces and expressing his wishes to scratch me).
The timing sucks, it does.

.

I'm trying to study

Amidst three crafting boys

armed with stickers and crayons and

many, many interruptions, 

I'm trying to study.

For the moment, peace reigns.

A story on CD on in the background.

Concentrated faces.

.

The holiday feels far away

But think Collioure.

Feel it.

I stood on THAT beach, took THESE photos.

Oi oi vey.



.

C'est Le Weekend: Give me fever

Son#1 has been sick for a few days, along with me.
We bark together, but he sounds like a seal.
(And may I just say that Prospan is the BEST cough medicine. Ever!)
He has a good fever too, and where mine remains low-grade, his rages on.
He came to snuggle his skinny-tall body into mine last night.
Kids mould themselves to you beautifully.
We fell blissfully into sleep and it was only 20h00.
The poor thing has pneumonia.

The week was filled with odd days.
It has been emotional and tiring.
We didn't sleep very much.
Son#2 is nauseous and asthmatic and also heading towads pneumonia, and it wouldn't surprise me if Son#3 did the same.
The timing sucks: I have an academic quarter to round off and studies to cram into my memory.

I ended up cleaning the entire kitchen and dining room.
Decluttering, reorganizing (also known as procrastination).
But I didn't think too much about my dad,  which was good in a way.
My new resolution: to reduce the contents of our house with 50%.
I want to travel lighter through this world.
Deadline:  unknown.

Today I will need to study like mad.
With all the hospital visits, sick kids and an overloaded work schedule, it's no damn wonder I didn't get that much done study-wise, especially if you chuck in the ever-present no sleep.
Oi vey.

The practicalities of life also demand their hunk of meat: we can't connect the laptop to the internet.
It leaves one strangely bereft and liberated: my work phone our only connection to a universe of data.
The hermit's life will be ours yet.




.