The Arrow of Time

It's called entropy, the arrow of time:  the introduction of randomness that cannot be undone.
A glacier moves along down a valley over a period of time, but its movement cannot be undone again to put it back exactly as it was.
Things have changed significantly.
There is no going back. 

My mother and I talked about the arrow of time yesterday - about my dad being gone and how she can't go back, she couldn't go back even when he was still alive.
Things had changed, have changed irrevocably.
She feels sad because there is nothing she could do for him to make him better.
She can't do things to make him comfortable anymore.

 
We went to Arnhem yesterday, to the Open Air Museum, along with the rest of the Dutch Population.
We spent the day looking at old houses, clog-making, sliding down icy hills (yes, real hills) on giant tubes, ice skating, and all the while drinking gluhwein, you know, just to stay warm.
Son#3 fell twice:  Bloody nose and scraped knees, pants ruined, shirt stained.

We drove home, accompanied by the most beautiful sunset, missing my dad.
Where is he now?
Bit by bit, the realization hits me that he is gone.
A minute reflection on this awful fact, squishes the tears from my eyes, clenches my chest.

The arrow of time keeps moving along its original planned path it seems, and tomorrow this shitty year will end.
We are sending off 2013 on a farm about 45 minutes from here.
There are bedsteads for the boys, and a living room for the big people so we can sip our champagne in peace, putting good things out into the universe.
Good things for all of us, everyone we know, semi-know and don't know.

The boys and I went for breakfast in Breda, then grocery (wine, haha) shopping, an ice cream and home again.
We wrestled in the restaurant, and I was thoroughly kissed by #1 and #2 for my valiant wrestling efforts.
Now TV.
Paying bills.
Coffee and love.


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