The Queen's Very Own Day

Today is Koninginnedag - the Queen's day - in the Netherlands.
Everyone dresses in orange and kids sell their old toys for cheap in the parks.

Last night, as the husband took Son#1 and Son#2 to bed, I went to sit outside with 3 other neighbours and drank wine and listened to what they had to say.

Have lived here for 8 years, but learned more about them in an hour than in the previous almost-decade.

I loved the wine.

Wine makes everything better and more interesting.
Although after a restless night with restless natives, I can feel that wine pulsating in my skull this morning.
Albeit a dull thud.

My parents are leaving South Africa today for a full 3 months.

Big changes in one week.

Feel ready and up to it.

Can't wait to see my parents and have them meet their youngest (and I can assure you, their last) grandchild for the first time.

Change is hanging in the air!

Love it!

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Drowning in a Cardboard Sea

Just 2 more nights and we'll have the keys to our new house.
Don't know if I should be jumping for joy or cry hysterically.

The husband is stressed and being short, the kids are hysterical, and all I would really like to do is lie in bed and get lost in my two books-of-the-moment, being 'A suitable boy' by Vikram Seth and of course my Zen & the art of motorcycle maintenance.

Slowly but surely the cardboard waves are rolling over our house and engulfing us as we watch.
I've discreetly tried to tuck the packed boxes into unused corners but this won't last long I expect.

Bathroom and Kitchen will get packed last.  It's amazing how much crap we have accumulated, stuff we hardly ever use.  Spent hard-earned money on.  Precious time cleaning it.  
Sigh.
The great purge of our lives is starting next week.
Watch this space!
I'm becoming a minimalist!!




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Words to live by

All that matters for today.

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C'est Le Weekend: Au revoir my sweet

Well.  
Son#2 just took the train with his paternal grandmother to spend the weekend there.
He was so excited that he put on his jacket this morning at 8h00 already, walking through the house with his suitcase, packing and unpacking his things, and refusing to believe that his grandmother would only arrive 3 hours later.
Poor bunny, but his patience paid off.

 
Some breathing space, I suppose, but I will miss his positive energy that he throws about the house.

Meanwhile Son#1 has been sent to his room for the millionth time today, Son#3 is peacefully taking a nap, the husband is at work, and I have a moment for myself to sip my coffee and read my emails.  
Even managed to get a bit of work done.  The stress being on 'a bit'.

I worry about Son#1.  
His behaviour is erratic and confrontational, every day, all day.
Having very little experience with children, I have to admit that I don't know what is 'normal'  for almost-7-year-olds.  
Yesterday I flipped out completely after he started laughing at me for the umpteenth time when I scolded him.
I didn't see red, I saw BLACK.  
Being a loving parent wasn't part of my repertoire yesterday. 
Parents are just people too, you know.

It won't help much to pile worries about Son#1 on my shoulders as well this weekend.  
This is the weekend when we have to pack up our life.
It's like giving birth, let me tell you.
Painful, laborious and inevitable.
Wish us luck!


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Round and round we go

Just waiting for a new current to whisk us away!

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Tough Cookie

Born with an ATTITUDE, our Son#1.

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5 Days

Yep:  5 days and we are getting the keys to the new house.
I'm not really looking forward to the move for some reason, the change ahead is looming above our heads, and I think it's scary.

Yesterday afternoon, I sequestered Son#1 and Son#2 to their bedrooms, locked the doors and wished them well while I sat downstairs and recuperated from their presence with a glass of wine.
Delicious.

(Please don't think that I'm actually some alcoholic that locks her kids away.  The latter part may be true, but not the former.)

While sipping my well-deserved wine, I realized all of a sudden that this is the longest I have ever actually lived in one place.  8 years. 
Phew.


I will have to re-learn my space and where I am in relation to it.
How I live will change as well:  The lay-out of the new house is very different (being a dyke house with lots of different levels) and I will only be able to watch the boys when we're all on the same level. 
Might be problematic.


Hopefully this move signals the beginning of a more peaceful period in my life.
I crave peace today.

Another day with the monsters.
That's a problem (and I'm complaining terribly now) about being in education as well as having school-age kids:  Your holidays and breaks from work are not breaks anymore.  
Just work.
Different work.
Work with insane kids.
Sigh.

I'm tired of problems.  
One can get tired of problems and bumps in the road if you have them all the time.   



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Anything is Possible

It really is.

(Trying hard to cheer the self up after a tough day yesterday with Thing 1 and Thing 2)

We went to see the Lorax yesterday at the movies.
It cost me a bundle (55€ and I snuck in our own juices!!) and Son#2 threw a tantrum in the theatre and pulled the hair of the woman in front of us a few times.
Shame engulfed my face and soul.
Then Son#2 was taken to the WC, we came back and of course Son#1 suddenly had to go too.
He went on his own - fine, but then didn't come back.

I started getting a bit frantic and pulled Son#2 along and apologised for having to shuffle past all the people we had just shuffled past, and went looking for him.
Found him up front by the screen - he couldn't find us in the dark.
Mmmmmm.

Then Son#2 said he needed to go to the WC again, I refused as we had just been, a tantrum followed, a good talking-to outside the theatre with some threats of physical violence, we returned and then he urinated on the seat.

I've only described the scenes at the movies.
As not to overwhelm you, dear reader, I've omitted the rest of my - shall we call it interesting - day.

Anything is possible.
It is possible that that movie seat dries before someone has to use it again (I'm never eating dropped popcorn again - ever),
and it is possible that the boys might listen well today and be helpers instead of hamperers.
If that's even a word.



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The Latin Alphabet

26 Letters that describe, quantify, qualify, add value to, explain, show effect and emotion, and contain our world and how we think of it.

And it just so happens that I found a small, short piece on the origins of the Alphabet in the newspaper this morning.  
Quelle coincidence.
As with so many things - the Greeks developed it around 800 BC from the Hieroglyphs, put it in the order as we know it today, and, together with the Roman Empire, it spread across the globe.

 

That is all this world boils down to.  26 Letters that give us our ability to describe this universe, explain science and our thoughts about it.
Did things exist before we could name them?  Do they exist because we have a name for it?
I have so many questions in my mind, they cause a sort of a 'white noise', and I struggle to formulate my questions into words and sentences.  
Must be the flu. 
But there is an underlying structure to all things - I'm really enjoying Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance, as it explains these things for nitwits like me.  And if you understand the whole, then you can understand the parts.
Right now I'm on a quest to break everything down into parts of a whole.

Pity my copy of 'The order of things' (Barbara Ann Kipfer) is packed away for the Big Move next week.  

So many things to know, so little time.

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Pushin' and shovin'

I love my new set of wheels

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We Will Rock You

Just before 5 a.m.
Sunday morning.
Son#1 and Son#2 are found downstairs in the living room and swiftly sent back to bed.
Son#3 also wakes (again - he was awake until 1h30).
The husband is in Delft and won't be back until noon, probably later and probably with a hangover.
I am sick - I have the flu and a throat infection and long to be united with a pillow and duvet.
So I do my calculations (at 5 a.m. this requires some effort) and realize that if the husband is only back at noon, then I will already have a 7-hour workday behind me.  
Hard labour.  
Like in the Salt Mines.
Sigh.

After everyone is pushed back to bed, I knock on the walls a few times whenever the Natives get Restless, or if I hear footsteps that suggest that they have left the confines of their beds.  
Just to let them know that Big Mother is Watching.

Just before 6 a.m., to them singing Queen's 'We will Rock You' (yes, they are rather musical...), I lose it and blow my top.
It's that point where you understand, lucidly, that there will be no further sleep nor rest, and that it is better - for all - to accept this.
The futility of even trying.

Parenting is tough.  
Kids complicate things.
But I love them, you know.

So we go downstairs and start our day.
Armed with Paracetomol and Positivity.




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Solitary & Special

Art week at the boys' school.
I was late overall, and just in time for Son#2's art exhibit.
Then he got upset as I had to go to Son#1's art exhibit, resulting in me being far too late for Son#1.

Son#1 upset and angry - and quite rightly so - but I was there for the flashmob and the cool moves on the school's playground. 

He loves people but also enjoys solitude.
His mother's child.  
In fact, he comes from a long line of Lone Rangers on my side of the family.

A rainy weekend lies ahead, passport applications and packing packing and more packing.

But all is well, we're together and calm and at peace.

Tomorrow we might even do Amsterdam.

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C'est Le Weekend: To be Free

Mmmmm.  

Night two, no TV.  

Wonderful.

Last night, the husband and I sat on the couch with wine and talked.

About all manners of things, how we parent, how we live, and what it means to be free.

It doesn't happen often:  We have fallen into a pattern where he watches TV and I scan the internet all evening.

It's a difficult question:  When are we free?

Does it mean financial freedom?  No work on Monday morning?  No taxes?

No family to worry about?

I've sort of come to the conclusion that being free, to me, has more to do with the importance I give to things instead of the limitations that I might experience.

I seem to be free to choose who and what is important in my life, although I don't make this choice at all.

Because what is most important to me?  

Kids, husband, family.

Easily answered, but seemingly problematic in its application.

All my stress and frustrations from the world outside, is paid for by my LOVED ones at home.  

But love is a verb, as Stephen Covey wrote, it requires action.

The balance is missing.

And the primal need to do it differently and better is overwhelming.

When I was at university, I once read about a study involving 11 families to determine the effect that TV had on family life and relationships.

The TV was removed.

After a year - no more hiding behind TVs and not having to converse with family members - all, I'll repeat, ALL the families had split up.

Tv really is, as the saying goes, the opposite of creativity and deep and meaningful relationships.

Mind-numbingly so.

Switch it off.
Converse.
Be in the moment instead of being a spectator to moments on TV.
Mindfulness.

The husband and I need to figure out what freedom means to us.  

Because we keep repeating the same behaviour, yet we expect different outcomes on a daily basis.

For two people with brains we're pretty damn daft and stupid, to say the least.

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Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I'm re-reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig, after almost 20 years.
What a book!

It asks good questions, makes good observations.
In short, I love it.
Love it so much that I've even marked the best things with a pen, which, as a devoted bibliophile, I never ever do.

The first thing I underlined (and happens to be very true and applicable to my life otherwise I wouldn't have underlined it I suppose):

We're in such a hurry most of the time we never get much chance to talk.

The result is a kind of endless day-to-day shallowness, 

a monotony that leaves a person wondering years later

where all the time went and sorry that it's all gone.

Love it!

Just read it!!

It's wonderful!

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The Internal Festival of Dreams

Today I'm in the grasp of a need for travelling.  
Not just travelling to the next city, but TRAVELLING.

Dear Reader, you must understand that I dearly love and adore my children, but I so wish that I saw more of this earth when I was younger and bolder and more free to come and go as I pleased, unchained by mortgages and taxes and the need to create a steady base for boys.

That I wish I had the guts to go to India for a year and live in an ashram.
That I had swum in Lake Titicaca.
That I had visited Moscow and Zanzibar.
Fear of the unknown is a nasty thing.


Pleasepleaseplease let me win the lottery because I need to live in that ashram and swim in Titicaca and stroll through the streets of Moscow while thinking of my time on the white beaches of Zanzibar.
Before I'm a pensioner (and at the Dutch government's current rate, that will only be when I'm 70).

And it annoys me that money is the only thing separating me from this dream.  
Sigh.


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Words to live by

Story of my life

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Looking for ice cream

After school.
Trying to escape the clutter in our home, Son#1, Son#2 and I went trudging through the rain, looking for ice cream.
Both ice cream shops were closed for some quixotic reason, so we headed for the usual:   
The Hema, where they have a play corner for kids, complete with tv and Ikea furniture.

Luckily no-one else trudges through rain showers with tired children, and we could call the play corner 'ours' for a while.

No ice cream, but hot dogs for the boys and coffee for an exhausted & irrate Mom.
The boys crashed on the couch, and then back into the rain to pick up Son#3 from daycare.

Another day, another dollar [spent].



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Round Circles

Well.

Son#3 is waking up at night again. 
The past 2 nights have been tough.
This morning he woke at 4 a.m. and I left him to cry.
Get the message bunny, Mom is pooped and there's a busy day ahead.
He will need to sleep before we move or I won't survive.

Tomorrow the removal company is dropping off all the boxes.

I guess it means business and that we will HAVE to start packing.

Only 17 nights until we move and to say that we are not prepared, is surely the understatement of the year.
17 Nights until my parents arrive.

This will be my last week at work where I'll have to go in 4 days a week and work my behind off.

Next week I'm taking it slower.

Thank goodness.

Hope you'll have a good, peace-filled day.

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The Universe Commands

And I obey.

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Sophie the Giraffe

Just drew the short straw

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Fairground Attraction

The fair came to Breda, and we were required to go (by 2 very enthusiastic boys).
Bless the husband for going in the first place, and secondly for making me tag along.

Lots of rides.
Lots of noise and lights and people watching.
There are gene pools and gene swamps. 
Fairs attract the swamps, but everyone is friendly, everyone smiles.
Candy floss and popcorn galore.

The boys had a ball.
Even won new rifles at the 'Catch-as-many-duckies-as-you-can'-stand.

Lovely!






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The Master Architect

Shows off his creation.

It's a Space Station.

(Just adding that in case you couldn't see it straight away) 

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And one more Birthday Boy photo

Just because he's daaaaaamn cute.

The birthday party at school was rockin'.

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C'est Le Weekend: Conference of Sheep

Yesterday we had a work outing.  A whole theatre was reserved to stimulate our minds to be more innovative and inspired.  
Keynote speakers, cabaret, lunches, coffees, freebies, even a plant (for sustainability!!) to take home.
I can't help but mention that, as inspiring as it might have been, it was actually an annoying experience (bar the few original souls).

Certain words are best avoided in my company after the overload I had yesterday.
They would include:
Inspiring, collaboration, sustainability, future, progressive, vision, innovative - to name but a few.

A super philosopher was the keynote speaker - Bas Haring.
What I appreciated most about him, was that he complained about our university.  
How we do things, how we think.  
That kind of thing.
And he did all this with a certain humility.  
Not prescriptive.  
Just questioning it. 
After his speech, the other speakers kept referring to what he had said - but what they failed to see was that it was only that Bas Haring questioned the status quo- he didn't define it as such.
One shouldn't treat a question like a definition.

It's that flock-o'-sheep-kind of behaviour:

One person (supported by loud applause and some fame) says something and the sheep subsequently latch onto his/her idea and run with it.

Aaah, Tennessee Williams wrote that one should question everything, that there is nothing else.

I'm not an original person.
I don't have original opinions.
But I'm not a sheep.
Never will be.




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We love the Birthday Boy!

Coolest Kid in the Country

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One Whole Year on This Earth

Son#3 turns 1 today.

Our last birthday in this house.

Of all three births, he was the smallest, his birth was the shortest, and yet it was the hardest.

Finally cured me of this condition called 'Need-to-have-more-children'.

Should also mention it was my first birth without a heavenly epidural.

I spent the day of his birth on a high, tripping on Remifentanil.

Mommy did drugs, my boy.

And the hospital gave them to me.

After he was born, I nearly died.

I went into shock a few times, had blood transfusions.

It was touch and go during his first night on earth.

Afterwards, the head nurse told me that she had her doubts whether I would make it.

How cool that he (and I!!!) are here on this first of hopefully many and happy birthdays in his life!

Birthdays are really for the moms - how wonderful to remember how your children came into this world.

Have a good life, bunny.

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When you wear many hats..

..you need a place to hang them.

(Judith Thurman)

New Home,  I already love you,

even though we'll only occupy you in 3 weeks' time. 

It's a mammoth task - packing, deciding what goes with and what goes to the recycle-shop.
It's still busy at work so I will have to hold off on packing just yet.
Next week is still there to start, isn't it?

In the meantime, Son#3 has slept through for THREE WHOLE NIGHTS now, 
and my body hasn't quite adjusted to this although I slept like a baby myself last night.
Gladgladgladgladgladglad.
Five blissfully sleeping people in one house.
One semi-sick cat to worry about.
Son#1 is verrrrrrrry emotional at the moment.
Son#2 is sweet and angry as 4-year-olds are. 
The husband has some work frustrations but luckily we have a shared humour that fixes many things we worry about.
The weather will go from rain to dry this week and that's good.


And that, my dears, is about the sum of things.
All in all, not too shabby

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Lawn Chairs

Taken to a new level altogether

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Words to live by

 

Anticipate the difficult by managing the easy

(Lao Tzu - again).

Meanwhile, Son#3 slept through the night, and even if I have the flu, 

I feel fantastic just in the knowledge that my tiredness will end.

After almost 5 years of me not sleeping through a single night...

I almost can't believe it.

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Easter Sunday

Our Easter Sunday started early.

Son#3 started crying at 4 a.m. and I eventually got up and stuck a pacifier in his mouth.
Problem solved until 6 a.m.

Outside it froze again during the night.
Yesterday was a bit of blah-day filled with conflict with the boys.
We're talking about screaming at Mummy in public, calling mum & dad names,
not following instructions, fighting fighting and more fighting, kicking stuff and people and slamming doors.
It goes without saying that I lost my temper a few times, which didn't help.
Sigh.

Today will be better. 

Will muster all my inner peace and patience and get us all through the day unscathed and unburnt from nasty comments and tantrums (kids and parents).

We're going to the Museum of Natural history Brabant, in Tilburg, again. 
Will take the train as an extra treat.


Meanwhile, we've decided to get a removal company to move our things to the new house instead of doing it ourselves, and it's only 3 weeks until we get the keys to the new house.
Time flies.

I'm also, per my mother's instructions, planning a retreat for a few days, while my parents are here until July.  
All by myself.
Going solo.
Either Buddhist meditation or  Christian silence. 
The jury still has to decide.




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It has begun

A TV addict is born.

The night went o.k.-ish .
Son#3 only woke at 4 a.m. and howled on and off until 6.
I got in a good 5 hours' worth of sleep.
It's a modern-day miracle!




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C'est Le Weekend: Happy Easter everyone!

Of course the Easter Moose had to be there.

(Don't ask)

We survived the night.
Son#3 bawled for 2 and a half long hours.
He finally either understood that I wasn't getting up,
or fell asleep utterly exhausted.
Either way, I got about 3 hours' sleep.

It's Easter weekend and that should signal
all things good.

We're painting Easter eggs this afternoon.
Outside, the sun is shining and Son#3 and I will go for
a slow walk which matches my energy levels.

Have a blessed Easter!


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Bite the bullet

Tonight is the night.
Son#3 is going to have to learn to sleep through the night.
Albeit the hard way.

I'm at the point where I physically struggle to stay on my feet and where I have trouble absorbing information or presenting it in any coherent way (all things important in my job and day-to-day life).  
I need sleep.
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it like an addict needs his or her kick.

A kind colleague lent me her copy of Dr Weissbluth's 'Healthy sleep habits, happy child'.
It's not just let-the-baby-cry-it-out-kind of book,  it actually gives you the scientific reasons why you should help your children sleep through and how to do it.

Poor Son#3 will realise tonight that Mommy (and this is unheard of, I know, I know) also needs sleep, and so does he.  
Tonight I'm ignoring him.
The kitchen is closed.
His life-size cuddly toy [me] is adjourning all night-time attention in the form of milk, hugs and soothing.
Boot camp for baby.

Wish me luck.
Son#3 too.



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I love this child

Even if he throws me a dirty look
and keeps me up every night

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Holding to the constant

Break into the peace within,

Hold attention in stillness,

And in the world outside

You will ably master the ten thousand things

 Lao Tzu was a wise man.


If I can just keep calm today,
despite 3 days of no sleep and lots of work to do,
then I'll survive.
Right?

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