Light

I need to clean the house but I don't want to.

We are all cranky and tired today.

It is Winter Solstice.

Tomorrow Son#3 is off school, but then has a school musical which the parents aren't allowed to watch. 

Son#1's class will go to Breda to donate money to a good cause.

The boys have their Xmas dinner in the evening and then I'll go to the philharmonic with a friend.

It's a busy time of the year, and more so because of the home exchange next week.

Son#1 complains of boredom, opponents in online games, 'frienemies' at school.

I have yet to do Christmas shopping (and then mainly because I have to wait for my salary).

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War and Peace

We drove to the military museum in Overloon.

Most of the town was wiped out during World War 2.

We watched the movies, saw the faces of strife, the weapons of war.

A lot of what was said back then, echoes again today.

Innocent people are used as collateral damage.

Heartbreaking.

Son#1 is turning Teenager on us.

He's been unapproachably angry since yesterday.

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Highs and Lows

It's not all fun and games, you know.

I signed away my career today.

Tomorrow I'll drop the contract in the mail and that will be that.

The high is that I feel in my gut that it's the right decision.

The low is that I've spent almost a third of my life at the university and that it strangely (or not so strangely) became a part of my identity.

Now I have to go out and find a whole new identity.

Scary!!

But also:

Exciting!!!

A conundrum, certainly.

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Yeeee haaa!

I never thought it would feel THIS good to finally leave the university.

I had a talk with my boss and as of today, I don't have to go to the office anymore.

Free!

Freedom!!!
Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

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Cliffhanger

Miss, I know that I can't write neatly but that doesn't bother me one bit, potato.

Sigh, Obstinate Son#2 strikes again.

We gave up on him changing out of his pajamas yesterday.

Honestly, it's not worth the fight.

It is Monday morning yet again, and I am still at the university.

I have a meeting with my boss later on to discuss my career's cheerful demise which will hopefully be today (haha).

We are off to the Ardennes just before New Year's, and there is still a lot to be done to get the house ship-shape.

I took Thursday off so Son#1 and I can go to the clinical geneticist.

Tomorrow I have a course on dyslexia and language acquisition.

(But I might just skip that and sleep late, mwoohahahaha)
What are they going to do?
Fire me???

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On ne vas

Sunday night, early to bed (and early to rise, because - let's face it - Motherhood).
It is COLD in the Nether Lands.
My car has been wrapped in frost all day, despite glorious sunshine.
The cold is another reason to go to bed early.
It was so cold that even the fireplace couldn't produce enough hot air to push the cold air out of the chimney.
Result: smoke alarms and smoke-filled house.

Our weekend (edit: MY weekend - the husband slept through all drama AND slept late, grrrrrrr) started off with a vomiting Son#2, nightmarish Son#1 and bloodied nose of Son#3, caused by Son#1.
Sigh.
It improved somewhat after that.
Tomorrow it is work again, which doesn't seem to reach a conclusion.
Universe!!
I am moving on!!!
My sojourn in purgatory is not good for my mental state.

But it is also Sinterklaas, and the husband will come home early so we can surprise the kids with a small heap of gifts.

We have been to see the orthopedic surgeon for Son#1's scoliosis and hypermobility syndrome.
Thank the gods, he has the benign form of scoliosis (where the muscles can be strengthened to support the skeleton), not the bad kind (bendy bones, nothing you can do about it).
Clinical geneticist on the 15th.
The hypermobility is a permanent fixture and we need to rethink sport choices (i.e. no rugby but yes to swimming?).

I need a gazillion bucks so I can buy a plane ticket for my mom to come visit.
And I would like a nice new job.
Thank you very, very much.


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Well, then

It's been a tough week.
The husband bumped up against an alpha male in a job interview, leaving him flabbergasted and us perplexed.

Negotiations at work continue for me, but I'm tired now - it has to get concluded now.
This stuck-in-nowhereland feeling is not for me.
I like clarity and direction.

My uncle in the States is going for neurosurgery tomorrow to remove two golf ball-sized tumours from his right temporal lobe.

Now it's 4 a.m. on Sunday morning.
Son#1 woke from a nightmare so we came downstairs to drink tea.
The cat snoozes next to me.
My uncle's news leaves me very, very sad.


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(Non) Psycho Killer

Who knew that not all cats are homicidal assholes?
And why weren't we informed?

Louise with-her-camp-name is simply lovely.
She snoozes in my neck, chews on my hair.
She gets picked up all the time by all of us, yet we haven't lost eyeballs.
There is no blood oozing from fresh scratches.
It might just be part of her evil plot, luring us in ever so gently, then BAM! she'll go for the jugular.

But so far so gooooood.


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I can go home in 45 minutes

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But I don't want to

This week will probably see the end of my career at the university, possibly stretching it another week.

And even though I know it is what I want (need!), I feel overcome by grief.
It is a profound loss, like a divorce.

I actually like my colleagues - I am surrounded by intelligence and humour, lots of kindness.
I used to think I would probably continue working there until I retired.
Things are very often different to one's expectations.
I have little control of the future, professionally and privately. 
And if anyone tells me to try to think in terms of opportunity as opposed to obstacle again, I may just very well smack them.

I need to wallow for a bit, mull and chew, see where all this fits in.
Then I'm sure I'll be able to buck up again.


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Boy + Cat

Son#2 had a pajama day and sat playing games on my phone with the cat on his lap.
Son#2 is really, really happy with Louise the Cat.

I am cranky, fat and cash-strapped, an unfortunate combination.
Tomorrow, work again.
I hope the union-lady phones me with feedback tomorrow.

I melted next to the fire the husband built this evening, Port and book in hand.

The husband cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen, my evil bad wifedom is now complete.

I couldn't reach  my mum.
Hope she's okay.


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Caterwauling & Drunken Holy Men

St Nicholas arrived in our silly village today, and it was the same St Nicholas who fell off his white horse last year, utterly inebriated.
He didn't sound much better today, slurring his words (but then again, it might just be local dialect?)
He has the large splotchy nose of older men who drink too much.

Son#3 and I went, he got free ginger biscuits, ran around and through the marching band and then we went home again when my fingers started freezing.

Look at his long legs!

St Nicholas gets carted around in a buggy now.
It's quite like the pope, haha.

Son#1 went for a sleep-over at another boy's house, and spilled hot tea over his legs.
Not too much damage, luckily.

Louise spent the day sleeping on the couch, and will probably keep us awake all night with her mewling in the kitchen, where she has been sequestered.
She's such a tiny little thing that she fits through the spindles of the stair gate.
And I don't want to lose sleep, thankyouverymuch.
I have Son#2 for that.


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The Lovely Louise

Here she is then, the Luscious Louise.

The boys are in their element, Son#2 woke me at 5h30 this morning to go downstairs to look at Louise.

At least, for now Louise will be her name.
I don't think cats give a shit what you call them.

Son#3 (Moodswings) and I are home with Louise (my expensive couch wrapped in blankets lest the little devil scratches it to pieces).
The husband went to a rugby match on the coast with Thing#1 (Puberty) and Thing#2 (Anger).

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Mr Jelly

Son#1 had to see the pediatrician for possible joint hypermobility syndrome/Ehler Danlos.
We are being referred to orthopedics and a host of clinical genetic tests will follow.
Deep sigh.

It was a long hospital visit, nearly 2 hours.
Son#1 kept dislocating his shoulders, freaking the doctor out.
We'll see.

I woke in the night from pain, the bashing-my-arms-with-hammers-kind.
The husband had a job interview this morning.
I am at work, where I'm just done.
I have nothing to do and no interest asking for something to fill my time.
I make shopping lists, and I'm following a Coursera-course on neurocognition.
I know unemployment is no walk in the park either, but I have an urgency to move anywhere but here.
You have to move to improve, right?


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Luisa

To alleviate the house of its Mickey Mouse Clubhouse-mouse colony, we are considering a cat.
(But also because we need something cute, and the boys are losing their cute-lustre, ha).

This is Luisa.
She is tiny, calm, non-aggressive.
Quite the turnaround from our previous ferral cat, Nelson.
I went to Tilburg to look at Luisa's sister, but she was a bit of an asshole, climbing over me like a mountain goat, dominating.
Luisa looked, sniffed, went back to sleeping.

I'm just worried about the furniture.


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Stuck

There seems to be an agenda at work with its own jargon and rules, and for non-initiated nitwits like myself, it is stressful to navigate the choppy waters.

I received a please-bugger-off contract.

I have a union lawyer who is looking at it, but it takes time and adds to my anxiety.

I can't afford to shoot myself in the foot.

And I don't know what the future will bring in terms of my health.

But I can tell you how humiliated I feel, knowing all that hard work, being in the top 3 of lecturers, all that stress at the university for the past 10 years has amounted to nothing.

Like my mother says, organizations have a sociopathic nature.

We are back on daylight savings time, with dark afternoons and rain and cold.

In South Africa, flash floods in Johannesburg killed 6 people and nearly washed away my friend Estelle's house.

Son#3 is on the waiting list for the school for gifted kids.

Son#2 is continuously and vehemently angry about everything.

Where did my curly-haired sweet boy go?

Son#1 is FINALLY getting more stimulation at school after his therapist intervened.

Erik the builder is finished with Son#1's attic bedroom, and we are taking a slow approach in trying to get everything ready.

What's the blooming rush anyway?

[Read: No money left]

To tell you the truth, I feel awfully mired in gunk and problems and no way out but through it all.

One has to have energy to handle life, and I'm all out.

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Here we are

The result of our efforts.

We ate breakfast in the dark, with only our Halloween pumpkins lighting the path to our mouths.

We were up early, Sons#2 and 3 and I.

My dad passed away 3 years ago today.

I love you, Daddy-O.

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3 Stooges & Autumn

Autumn break.

The husband and I had a wonderful break in Maastricht.

Museums, wine, Indian food.

There is something magical about Monday evenings and strolling through cities.

Shops closed, people gone and the walls begin to sing.

Today we went to a mini Legoland in the next village.

Even I built something - an Arctic Weather Station complete with chain and kennel for my imaginary Husky.

Here they are:
The Hungry, The Insecure and the Master Builder.
The boys were wonderful.
No tantrums, no screaming for more stuff.

Son#2 sensibly left his pocket money at home, Son#1 decided to save his money even while standing in front of boxes full of Lego with bucks burning in his pocket

Then we bought 3 pumpkins that we'll carve as soon as I've recovered from the Lego outing. 

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Criss cross

We went to Dordrecht on Sunday with the boys.

It is like a quiet, 1950s Amsterdam.

For 1 euro, we climbed the church tower (372 steps!! - going down was worse than going up).

Son#2 tried to kick rocks off the tower and stuck his head through the gaps in the wall.

At least, that's what the husband said.

I froze dead as soon as I set foot onto the roof.

It was fear of heights that made me think it's every man and child for himself.

The boys were picked up by their grandparents on Monday.

Son#1 baked an apple pie, bless, only slightly burned on the edges.

I love that boy vehemently.

The house was so quiet after, eerily so.

I watched a DVD to fill the silence.

Then the husband wove through evening traffic, all the way down south to Maastricht, where the husband went to university.

We had dinner and drinks (gotta love that credit card), but the drinks woke me up at 5h30 this morning in our funky but cheap hotel.

Ouch.

Today, 2 museums, then to the in/out-laws to pick up our beloveds.

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Disco Inferno

Thank goodness for Village Life:

Son#1 went to the disco on his own, cycling together with a girl who lives down the street.

He came home at 10.

Bless those little uncertain eyes, that be-gelled hair, the home-made light stick.

It is Autumn break.

Last year I was lying in hospital.

The boys are going to Grandma's on Monday for a sleep-over (all 3 of them!!).

The husband and I will go to Maastricht on Tuesday, we think.

I can't imagine the house being quiet overnight. 

No child to tuck in?

Our electricity died again and Erik the Handyman came back and fixed it.

I started cleaning the attic, our room and everywhere else with sawdust and rubble.

Erik is handy but not clean.

We have a busy day ahead, finding all our stuff in the mess that is our house, packing for the boys, and hopefully an outing somewhere.

I've got cabin fever but no money after the medical aid ransacked my bank account.

Rehab wasn't cheap.

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No TV, no problem

Erik the handyman is still not finished with the attic.

There is scaffolding and dust in our room.

I feel invaded...

Erik needs to finish up now and bugger off out of our bedroom.

We have had no electricity this afternoon (and no heating!! It's 6 degrees outside!!) with Erik tooling away upstairs.

Blessings in disguise though:

The boys have been playing with the Playmobil for almost 3 hours.

Every now and then they stuff another raisin bun in their mouths.

Son#1 is a Master of Creative Play, sketching the most fantastic scenarios with his brothers happily going along.

I'm too cold to move away from my nest on the couch.

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His Nibbs

Son#3 had a sick day with the husband while I went to work.

I wrote an article on dyslexia and then suffered through an awkward meeting with my boss.

She looked at me with doe-eyes, surely expecting me to be heartbroken about my job.

Little does she know that I'm clicking my heels like Wizard-of-Oz-Dorothy.

Son#1 is going to his first disco tomorrow night.

I'm sure it's not called a disco anymore, but that's beside the point.

I'm not old school.

I'm just old.

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Sick Bay

Son#3 sounds like Marlon Brando.

Son#2 is deaf, ears blocked?

I'm imagining waxy build-ups of at least 1 meter in length.

I stopped giving him asthma medication as it's turning him into Beelzebub, which is contrary to his nature.

Son#1 cries-rants over every tiny thing and disagreement.

Hormones?

Illness?

School?

His strange teacher sends me updates of his lack-of-calculations in maths class (he got the answers right, so what's the problem?).

He even had to stay after school to write down the calculations.

I have a meeting with my boss and the poorsennel (haha, get it?) guy to talk terms of my exit in the morning.

We shall see.

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The Bigger Picture

Why did I doubt myself all these years?

All this time with zero confidence in my capabilities, not even imagining that I could do what 'they' did just as well, if not better.

And all these years of giving a shit: about work, the opinion and importance of others, about 'being unprepared' and what horror that phrase held.

It took me 42 long years to start figuring this out.

Hello, late bloomer!

My mother and I laughed over the phone this evening, about the great equalizer that age is, about getting old and grumpy, and not giving a crap anymore.

Aaah, liberation.

I can taste you already.

I had a meeting at work, totally unprepared.

Nothing happened.

Nobody noticed.

My spineless boss can't manage a meeting to save her life.

My colleagues can't distinguish between main points and sidelines.

I took a backseat to these people all my life.

How daft can one be?

But I'm learning.

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The Usual Suspects

We went to the Biesboschmuseum which was lovely, white and new.

We had the wonderful good luck of sunny blue skies and a balmy 20 degrees.

Son#2 decided not to cooperate, and we had lots of clashes.

Deep, visceral sighs.

He's a lovely kid but 'obstinate' doesn't BEGIN to describe his character.

The husband and I will go back one day, sans enfants.

Tomorrow, work only in the afternoon to be able to attend a meeting.

I'm counting the days at work (although a final end-date would be lovely).

We looooooove unemployment.

(We think).

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Mice (and Men)

We have a rodent issue.

Something gnaws loudly in the living room, goes quiet when the husband jumps up and down on the floor, then happily continues 10 minutes later.

Whoever/whatever it is probably throws us four middle claws.

Cocky sonofabitch.

The husband bought a rodent sonar-thing and mousetraps, last of which will be great as we found a drawer full of scattered mouse droppings this afternoon, amidst Son#2's excessive anger outbursts, a handyman, Son#3's tantrums for Star Wars paraphernalia and a sleep-over friend for Son#1.

Nonetheless.

We're coming for you, Mickey.

The mouse population ate my blooming vegetables in the garden, and feeding the birds is also out of the question after I saw a mouse doing the backstroke in the birdfeeder, full of seeds.

Mmmm.
We're considering a cat, although the prospect of hair and scratched furniture puts me off all of a sudden.

Hopefully, #1's friend will bugger off early tomorrow, we can clear our bedroom from building debris and go do something lovely that doesn't involve wine (with which I'm more and more convinced I have a problem).

Horror of horrors.

A world without wine...

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Calming down

Our handyman is soldiering on in the attic.

Hopefully he'll be done with plastering on Wednesday.

I took my car's lights to be fixed, €45 later and I decided that my credit card could treat me to a warm bathrobe for 10 bucks more at IKEA.

It is, after all, the largest part of my wardrobe (ahem).

A friend came home with Son#3, and I dragged them to  IKEA where I chucked them in the play area for an hour while I drank free coffee.

Then later a friend for Son#2 who seems to think that shouting at one's mother is an Olympic sport.

The day started off with Son#2 flipping me the middle finger over his oats, so he's on a short leash if you ask me.

But I'm thankful for the friend nonetheless.

Son#2 is an outsider (like his parents, who know what that's like).

The boys have rugby tonight.

I hope the weekend will be lovingkindness itself.

Sons#1 and 2 fight continuously and it is getting my goat.

Big time.

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Spiffy

What bliss, spending my morning watching pointless TV.

It is 11 degrees outside, and Son#3 and I are wrapped in fleece on the couch.

The husband is stressed and so am I, although I'm ignoring work stress for the moment

(I have to wonder if this is at all effective: three words: pulsating back spasms).

Problems, deep sigh.

You can run, but you can't hide.

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