C'est Le Weekend: Like a Phoenix

Finally.
Finally my hormones (at least, I hope I can blame my hormones) have left me and I feel more upbeat.
It might have something to do with my newly-acquired Neil Diamond CD that had me singing loudly and cheerfully in the car all day yesterday.
But although I obviously got stuck in some yesteryear-era in the seventies, this music makes me happy and think of adventure.

When I was about 7 (I think), my dad lent his car to a 'friend' that was down and out.
This down-and-out-scoundrel absconded with said car, leaving my parents disillusioned and angry.

We hunted them down, driving from town to town, until finally, we found their house, (and hallelujah for the time before cellphones existed preventing a warning of our presence), sat waiting under willow trees in the heat for them to return to their new home.
Said friend was apologetic.
My dad was forgiving and let the matter rest.
It was one big adventure for my brother and I.
I remember Neil Diamond and hot wind in my hair.
Good times.



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Words to Live By

 

 When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.

John Muir

(who happened to be a pioneering-adventurous-interesting-environmentalist pur sang)

Foreigner in a Foreign Land

Gershom was the first son of Moses, and his name signified traveler, exile and sojourner.
I can relate.

Yesterday was spent in a flurry of doctor's offices, hospital x-ray rooms and pharmacies.
All because of that silly slip down the stairs at the beginning of May.
Silly girl.
I'm sure that my neck is fine, I probably didn't break it, but it certainly hurts like hell.
Son#2 was my happy companion through all of this.

Pity about a very rude GP and rude GP's receptionist that almost had me crying in public again.
Sigh.
 

Chin up, Yo.
One day (and I hope it will be soon), I will accept that I live here, in Europe.
And that human warmth and kindness is not a given, but an exception to the rule.
And one day, hopefully, I won't even notice that I'm different than the natives anymore.
I will fit in.
No longer the loneliest person on the planet.


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A blip on the radar

I slept terribly bad with all sorts of awful nightmares passing by through the wee hours.
Son#2 refuses to go to school this morning because some boy clobbered him with a skipping rope and scratched his face.
I'm in two minds about keeping him home today.
Sigh.

Son#3 talks a lot and clings to my legs when I walk around the house, and Son#1 is, well, Son#1.
The husband is throwing a tantrum or two of his own.
Family life sure is different than what I thought it would be.

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Bop and Jive

Because the sun is finally shining!

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Go straight, madam

The other day my mother stopped at a petrol station.

The petrol attendant noted that my mother was staring off into the distance.

'You're far away, madam, you're not here'.

My mother replied that she had lots of troubles.

'Troubles are strange, madam, they go round and round.

You mustn't go round and round, madam, you must go straight'.

When my mother drove off, he again repeated:  'Go straight, madam'.

Wisdom from an unexpected corner.

Go straight.

It´s art (well, some of it)

Museum De Pont in Tilburg.

We saw giant balloons that apparently required some artistic wrist to paint with a paint gun.

(I didn't get it).

 

 We had coffee and salad.

Good.

Then Marlene Dumas (who happens to be South African).

Bonus:  I like her artistic style.

And the husband and I spoke about our lives and how we would like to really live.

 But I always hope we'll actually do something about it and not just leave it at talk.

All in all, it was good.

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C'est Le Weekend: Attachment

So many things were wrong in the world this week.
The worst was the horrid killing of a man in Woolwich, in plain view, mid-morning, all in the name of someone's god.
Not all Muslims feel like these weirdos.
The Islam is, in fact, a most beautiful and loving religion.
It had the husband and I thinking that this will surely cause some backlash of hatred from Western society.
And quite frankly, we are so sick and blooming tired of all the hatred in the world.
When you have kids, it makes it all the more real and scary and vulnerable.
Why can't people just be nice to each other?
Life is crap enough as it is, thankyouverymuch.

I guess I would just like to live in a world where there is less judgment, less attachment of values, no good nor bad, but just (very Zen) being.
I just want to be for a while, and try my utmost not to tell myself that I'm good or bad, or fat or thin, or pretty or fugly, clever or daft.
Just BE.

Just accepting of what my life consists of for this moment in time:
My dad is sick.
I live in the Netherlands.
I have 3 sons.
My brain and body is tired.
I own a house.
I have a husband. 

And try to forget about all the swear words I tend to add like adjectives to all of the above.
Be.



 



 

In Dora We Trust

We do and say whatever Dora says and does.

It's a religion.
[Doranity]

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Thursday

And it is, you know.

Despite the crap weather.

Almost summer and non-stop rain and 10 degrees Celsius.

 But.

It's just weather.

My dad is starting his chemotherapy today.

Knock those awful cells dead in their tracks, Daddy-O.

Hope all those aches and pains disappear like fog in the sunlight.

Hope is just around the corner.

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Simple things for simple minds

Wednesdays are tough days.
I have half a day with Son#3 which is generally quiet, at home, doing nothing but watching Dora on TV (Son#3's favourite TV show in the whole entire universe) and reading.
Then...
Then at 12h00 I have to fetch Thing#1 and Thing#2, and we rush home to give them something to eat, then skedaddle into the car, driving at breakneck speed to get to Son#1's overcharged swimming lessons on time.
We wait.
We buy groceries.
Then pick Son#1 up again and go home.
By this time, we are all tired and cranky and no-one is willing to compromise.
On anything.

Today we went to the Jumbo supermarket during the long wait for Son#1 to finish his overcharged swimming lessons (repetitive, sorry).

I drank cheap but great coffee (€1,00!!), #2 and #3 shared a juice and each had a cupcake.

They played.

 
Simple, but just about what I can manage today.

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Affirmation

I see the world through eyes of love.

A child's hunger.

What the hell am I doing complaining about my petty problems?

All this affirmation desires, is the action to go with it.

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7 kids

We survived.
7 Kids in one house with 4 adults.

It was lovely seeing our Northern friends again - we hadn't seen them for more than a year.
The kids had fun.
They put together a show for us that consisted of a ballet performance, magical card tricks, an annihilation by Anaconda, and dancing.

We had wine, everyone had (apparently) delicious Ossobuco that I made whilst I had bland old pasta with mascarpone, but that was all fine.

I had a sleepless night with back pain and very tense muscles in my neck and arms.

But.
Today the husband has taken the day off.
And we are going to Tilburg, to Museum De Pont.
Lovely.
 

Sunday morning started early

Son#1 has a friend that stayed over last night.
A girl with good manners and a sweet disposition that helps me pick up stuff.
This in turn, prompts helping-behaviour in Son#1 and #2.
Amazing.
This, then, is what life would have been like with a daughter.

We're about to make breakfast for 4 kids and 2 still sleepy parents.
Upstairs, the boys and 1 girl take turns rolling each other up in a blanket.

Later, I'll phone my parents (who probably think I'm stalking them, I'm phoning them so much), I'm cleaning my studio and the rest of the house, and we are mowing the lawn.
I love mowing the lawn.

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Soren knew what it was all about

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C'est Le Weekend: Never Alone

And never being alone, must have been the grand idea of the Pentecost, I imagine.
We are alone, but together.
In various shifting degrees of these states.

Yesterday, I followed my friend's example and went to watch a movie, Iron Man, on my own, stuffing my face with large amounts of popcorn and enjoying it.
I should do it more often.
I also spoke to our physician at work, who suggested that I might try and start doing small tasks for work in June (making the shivers run through my body).
I can't avoid work forever, even if I want to.

And my disillusion with life and what I thought had purpose but now only leaves me with functionality, has me wondering if this is depression or enlightenment.
I think the latter.
I can't go back to thinking that life has purpose other than to love.
That's the only verb I can think of that comes close to being 'purpose'.
But even then, love is functionality.
To protect, to cherish, to help grow, to survive and live on.
All these things support the function that life and living necessitate.
I'm rambling, forgive me.

This weekend, Pentecost, we need to buy the boys a bunk bed.
I need to clean the house and my studio-cum-office because friends are coming over on Monday with their 4 kids (oi vey).
These things also need to happen.

But o.k.
Today is just today.
Now is just now.
Breathe in, breathe out.
And think of the ones you love.


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The Original Game Boy

 

I cannot tear my eyes away from that computer screen.

I simply CANNOT.

Meanwhile, back in South Africa, my dad is home.

He still feels very weak, got some more blood during the night.

Tomorrow my mother officially stops working, and I'm so grateful for the fact that my dad is back where he wants to be (with my mother) and that my mother can shirk off this additional stress from work.

Small mercies, small steps.

.

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Love is our Main Objective

And adoration

Of those we love.

Near and far.

I don't like a camera pointed at me, and I certainly don't want photos of myself,

but here is looking at you, Dad.

xxx

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Munching munching munching

All day long.

My dad is still in hospital for tonight.

Will see how he is tomorrow.

We love you, you old seadog!

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Exasperation & Disbelief

My dad is in hospital again.
His hemoglobin levels were below 5 (I think it should be above 9,5).
Luckily he's in a different hospital where the nurses don't play blaring music at 4h00 in the morning, and where a nurse actually sits with the patients all night.
They care.
Unbelievable.
Even his pain medication is continued (a miracle!!!) which is why he checked out of the hospital the last time - they saw that his pain medication wasn't effective then offered him nothing else.

His oncologist (an idiot of an egotistical man, who will one day be at the butt-end of my wrath) said that my dad should go home, even with life-threatening low hemoglobin levels(!!) and hypercalcemia.
There is a special hell for people like this so-called doctor.
What a quack.

Meanwhile, my dad is pondering whether he should do chemotherapy, my mother is looking for a human oncologist, and he's getting pints of blood by the bag-loads.

 
I feel inept.
Like my arms have been amputated.
And I feel too far from my parents.
God knows I love them.


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No words

 

Just love.

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On Being Human

How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow?  

I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole.

C.G. Jung  

(Explains my bad mothering) 

Meanwhile it is the wonderful husband's birthday today!
Won't show you our dark sides today, love.
Will keep that for tomorrow.
Happy happy, dearest!

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There must be a God

Because it happens to be the day that the schools start again.

You cannot fathom how grateful I am right now, especially after the last few days of behavioural hell we've endured.

We barked.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 didn't flinch.

They were so naughty and oblivious of our wishes that at times, we forgot that Son#3 was even there.

Sigh.

All I know is that it is Monday.

That's all.

On our way

We are on our way to the in/out-laws with 3 boys in tow.

We had a fitful night with thunderstorms and Son#1 and #2 bunking down in our bedroom.

Son#2 was kind enough to stay awake until 2h30 (ahem).

 Meanwhile I miss my parents and Africa and we sat around breakfast this morning dreaming of a trip to Namibia.

Sounds dandy.

Am being semi-patient today, and will try my best to extend this courtesy to the in/out-laws as well.

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Words of Wisdom

 

And so it is.

Good and bad.

 

C'est Le Weekend: Getting Closer to the Truth

This past week had me crying a lot.
And I don't even have PMS.
After Son#2's toothache and then frantically trying to find a dentist without a waiting list, I drove home with the boys and the realization struck me that my life is crisis-driven.
I don't operate from a point of calm and being in control.
I live reactively:  A crisis pops up [all the time], and then I react to it.
Nothing is set out and planned from the start up.

I had a long, tearful conversation with my wise mother on Wednesday.
She told me that I will have to learn how to think differently - or not think at all - if I'm to survive.

I know that change is necessary - vital even.
But today I don't know where to start.
I won't think on it too much though - which is already a good beginning.

Have a good weekend!


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Bomb

I had a nuclear fallout with Son#1.

Listen, my boy, the first time.

Or our lives together will be hard.

Ascending to greater heights

I did the inevitable.
I phoned my course lecturer yesterday in a flight of panic and she suggested I request to move my exams to October.
I requested it, it was approved and I feel so relieved now.
No more hysterical studying for the moment, hoping something will stick in my addled and adrenally-shot mind.
Aaaaaaaah, relaxation.

Son#2 went to the dentist yesterday - he had a huge gaping hole in a molar, and didn't flinch the tiniest bit, brave dear.
Thank the gods for a kind, gentle dentist.

  

Today is Ascension Day, a national holiday in the Netherlands, the husband is at home, and it's sunny but cool outside.
The boys have spent the morning building forts in the living room so far.
The husband is getting them dressed and polished so we can chuck them outside.
The sandpit is calling.


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The Ensemble is Complete

 

A snake, a tv addict and a bad temper.

But ok, Son#2 is sick and complains of toothache.

We had a fitful night, #2 and #3 woke often and the husband lay awake thinking of work.

Hey ho, here we go, Wednesday - which is always a tough day.

Why is that?

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Sweet Kid

The added balls were his 'babies' (which he then proceeded to jump on).

He befriended a boy with an Afro, and one with a mohawk.

We drank juice and coffee and ate french fries and filled 5 hours of uninterrupted playtime.

And for 1 Euro I got a ten minute massage in a massage chair.

Best buck I've ever spent.

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Words of Wisdom

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Am taking Son#3 to daycare, then spending the day with Son#2.
Study and Play.

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Just us 3

While His Majesty (the husband) is sleeping very late.

 (and will be made to pay for it later, insert evil laugh)

Feeling stripey in our prison-like garb

Fear not.

We didn't knock his teeth out, it's just a chocolate sprinkle.

 

 

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Take a tumble

Yesterday, late afternoon and home alone, I fell down the stairs.
Lots of them.
All of these:

Of course, I was on my way to the kitchen to get yet another thing to eat.
The Universe sometimes speaks loudly, and clearly.
This morning my entire right thigh and buttock is covered in an ugly bruise, including my left arm and hand.
Be thankful I didn't include a photo of that.

So far it's sunny.
And quiet outside.
A difficult neighbour often plays his music too loud, and yesterday he threw a helluva party.
This time he had the maturity and courtesy to drop a note into our mailbox telling us beforehand that there would be (contained) noise.
But when the volume went up at 1h30, and I still wasn't sleeping, I kind of lost it and called the cops.
A lady with terminal cancer lives right opposite him.
When it's not right, it's not right.

We have a fairly lazy day ahead.
We might go to Ikea to look for a bunk bed for the boys.
We might have a barbecue.
And I want to phone my mom and dad to hear how they are - my dad's morphine syrup is working and he's not pain-free, but the pain has improved greatly.

May peace be yours this Sunday!
 
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Evidence

I exist.

I really do.

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C'est Le Weekend: Buck up! (and be kind)

The weekend is upon us.

I haven't studied all that much, I'm afraid.

Son#1 is going to the in-laws for the weekend, which will lighten the husband's load as I will need to pull up my socks and study this weekend.

(You might, quite rightly so, wonder who the hell starts a university course during a burnout, wouldn't you?)

And with a shock we realized this week that we've been living here for a whole year now.  Tomorrow is exactly a year ago that my parents came here.  

A lot has happened in the past year.

Good and bad.

So.

Other than studying and dropping Son#1 off, we have very few plans, except to be kind, which I will strive to be this weekend.

Hope you will be kind too.

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Cool Dude

Sporting glasses, Coca-Cola (which I am not supposed to drink), an ice cream and my winning smile for the chickies roaming the restaurant at Ikea.

 Life is good when you're hotstuff.

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Early Morning Walk

The three boys and I took a walk this morning to drop off Son#3's application form for the new daycare and to buy bread.
After yesterday's carnage when Son#1 and Son#2 ate an enitre bag of sugar, Son#1 climbed over a neighbour's fence and ripped his shirt to pieces (which could have been his body), and then Son#3 finally discovered his own Hades-colours and started screaming at us, and lying on floors in a tantrumic state, we needed rest.
If that's even a word (well, it is now).
And I was so hoping that he would never ever turn towards the dark side. 

We tried to watch Willem-Alexander's glorious moment, but the boys had other (loud) plans, and there comes a moment in almost every day where my own voice sickens me.
Especially if my own voice keeps spewing the same sentence over and over again.
It usually contains the word 'listen'.

The husband, wisely, made me tea and left me alone.

Anyway.
Today a friend and her 2 sons are dropping by in the morning.
Haven't seen her for months, and I'm looking forward to seeing her kind face again.
Kindness is so rare in people.
Genuine kindness.
A treasure.


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