Happy Easter!

The good but grumpy husband let me sleep late-ish after a hellish night.
We let Son#3 sleep on, while we had an Easter breakfast.
The husband had coloured eggs with Son#1 and #2.

 
Later on we are going to my in-laws for free food and company.

Hope that your Easter will be one that heralds a period of growth and wellbeing,
wherever you might be!

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Paint, Interrupted

 

But they're being ultra sweet, so it's okay!

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It was a Good Friday after all (despite the snow)

Yesterday was good.
Really good.

Despite freaking out once with Son#1 (I just wanted to be alone in a space, he didn't do anything wrong, poor dear), the day was actually quite calm and fun.
We went to the hairdresser's, where Son#1 and Son#2 were chopped and coiffured.
We had lunch in the city park.

The boys played for a while (Son#2, again, in Superman-attire).

We bought a helluvalotofwine on sale and Easter-goodies.
We went home and Son#3 had a short nap.

I cleaned the kitchen, cooked dinner, drank wine and chatted with the husband.

And after dinner, I had the most amazing time painting again for the first time in 7 years.
7 looooooong years.
I'll post a pic when I'm done.

Then I sat in front of the fire with the husband, reading.
Missing my parents terribly.
I love you Mom, I love you Dad.
Dearly.


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C'est Le Weekend: Easter Surprise

It's been somewhat of an eye-opening week.
Literally and figuratively.

Let's start with the figurative part and slide into the literal, shall we?
Son#2 has a problem with anger management.
He got so angry with us for insisting that he eat his dinner (I mean, really, what kind of parents are we???) that he threw down his brand-new-two-week-old-pair-of-glasses, breaking them.
I have never been so happy with an insurance policy.
This proves it:  Yo has foresight.
An important feature.

While I was at the optometrist, asking for another pair of glasses for Satan, I asked them to check my eyesight as well, because I noticed that the husband could see things far off that I couldn't. 
(And he's had a cyst in his eye, for crying out loud!!!)
Well well.
It turns out I am as blind as a bat, so I got new contact lenses and ordered glasses.
Cool glasses.
Hipsters.
Of the cheapest variety.
Because surely, Hipsters are thrifty?

But eyesight is like a miracle.
I can discern each and every leaf, branch, blade of grass.
Driving around the countryside yesterday, I noticed houses and whole worlds beyond my previous field of vision.
Amazing.

And now it's Good Friday and Easter weekend.

 
Meanwhile back at the ranch, the boys have no school today (which I didn't know about until late yesterday), but the good husband left us his bank card to buy Easter groceries with.
And go for lunch (although he didn't say we could, but if he reads this, he will know now).
I wish I had a quiet morning with Son#3, but I can't hide from the kids anywhere anyway (except the cat's litter box, but I have my standards, you know).  

And I'm donating money to the casualties in Syria, because if that ever happened here, I would want someone to help us too. 

Wouldn't you?


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Right on, Bruce

Never get set in one form.
Adapt it. Make it your own. Let it grow.
Be like water.

  - Bruce Lee

Seems clear to me.

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Toil and the need for balance

Had an interesting conversation with another mom at the boys' school yesterday.
She currently also has a burnout, her second burnout to be precise, and is therefore more experienced in my eyes (even though she laughs every time I speak English and says that I sound like Dora).

During her first burnout, she received psychotherapy, which didn't help much.

This time around, she's taking a more pragmatic approach.
She explained how exertion must be balanced with relaxation, an endless cycle of exertion-relaxation-exertion, and I just know that you will think DUH, but only in this conversation did the thought finally come home.
Bit slow on the uptake, Yo.

Anyway, the rest of my day was spent in this vein, and  I balanced coffee breaks with bouts of studying and then prepping a canvas for painting.
I actually got a helluvalot of things done yesterday.

And you must know, in the 11 years during which I've been teaching at the university, I have only taken ONE lunch break in the canteen.
ONE!!!
Pathetic!!
So much for balance.
Things have to change.


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Words to Live By

 

We all start at the beginning.

Beginning of life, beginning of death.

Beginning school, a career, a relationship and parenthood.

We're all experts in the end.

A comforting thought.

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Advice to the Young

Even if you're nearing 40 and beyond, then you should not grow up.
And not growing up, also means having and retaining the ability to change one's way of thinking.
Not getting stuck in a mental rut.
Free thinking.
Because we don't even need a bloody box to think in.

This week I have to fetch the boys for lunch and then return them to school.
Son#1 got a Yellow Card from the Break Gestapo for quarelling with another boy.
Our neighbours, with whom we had (too many) drinks on Saturday, told us that they have complained to the headmaster about the Break Gestapo, and that basically all the kids are unhappy there.
Methinks we've been too harsh on Son#1.

When we spoke about it this weekend (which was an unusually calm and loving weekend), he used words like 'prison' and 'boot camp', and told me that they are not allowed to play on the play equipment (what the hell???)
Son#1 has one Gestapo Member assigned to him and him alone, to make sure that he won't fly the coup again during the long break. 
That would make me rebellious as well.

Today I plan on studying in between school runs, perhaps even turning the heating up in my studio and painting a bit.
One has to live, you know.


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Aim For The Day

Amen, sista!

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Uh-huh

The husband went to a friend's last night, he'll return later, I'm sure.
This afternoon we're having drinks with nice neighbours down the street.

Meanwhile, Son#3 was up at 5 and woke Thing#1 and Thing#2 who have been wrestling and laughing ever since.
Thing#2 finally forced me out of bed when he came into the room with blood all over his face.
A minor scuffle.
I just hope he didn't get blood on my blooming carpet.

Now I'm making breakfast and cleaning the kitchen and trying to read and drink coffee at the same time.
Sigh.

It's minus 10 degrees outside and the temperature won't even reach 3 degrees this entire week.
I've had it with cold and responsibilities and life without a permanent maid at my disposal.
I want to point, and it must be done.
Forgive my eternal laziness.
Sigh.

 
 

C'est Le Weekend: Drop the (L)ego

I spoke to a colleague a while ago, and we talked about his 'transformation'.
He went from being unhappy in his previous job, to doing exactly what he loves doing, which is working with the students at our university.

He told me about 2 things that made a difference in his life:
1.  He learned to love everyone, and
2.  He let go of his ego.

I've experimented with difficult classes many years ago, telling myself how I loved each and every one of my students, and was then amazed at how well the day had gone.
Strange that this colleague should repeat the same thing.

And since we've spoken about Ego and letting that go, it just keeps making sense to me.
Because Ego really is an external locus of control.
It couldn't be internal (I think).  
Ego is looking good and being good in the eyes of others, isn't it?
You can't really boast about a big car or lots of money just to your mangy old self, now could you?

Well.
The husband's Volvo is being exchanged for a Mitsubishi eco-car at the end of the year, and secretly, I feel relieved that we won't be driving a Volvo anymore.
Even if it is just outward appearances meeting the inner world, which happens to be looks-like-a-rich-bitch-but-actually-has-no-money-this-month.
Sigh.
A mouthful!


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Turning

Turn your face towards the sun

and the shadows fall behind you.

- Maori Proverb

(Which my parents and I found written on a sugar packet at a restaurant on the Sacramento Trail in February)

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Being

The week sped past in a blur so far.
A stressed blur.
With heart palpitations.

I saw my boss on Monday who wanted to make sure that I was okay.
I am, I just need no contact with work right now, thankyouverymuch.
Will have to let him know in some way, but that already adds to my stress levels.

Son#1 had two bust-ups at school on Monday and I threatened him with violence if this should happen again.
He seemed impressed and came home yesterday telling me of all his good behaviour.
Go, Son#1!

Methinks that the horrid flu strain that has been crisscrossing the Nether Lands the last few weeks, has finally invaded my body.
Sigh.
Coupled with being awake from 2 a.m. with stress and a sore body and my heart on a wild gallop, I'm pooped.

But.
I'm thinking about what my Zen meditation teacher told me on Monday:
That which I can handle, is coming now.
That which is important, is that which I am thinking now.

Just being.
In the NOW.
No judgment about something being good or bad.
It just is.
And I am.
Very, very important stuff.

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Life is One Big (children's) Party

The good husband let me sleep until 10.
At least, I didn't sleep, but read.
Same thing.

Superman is wearing Spiderman socks and is entertaining himself together with his brothers in the playroom.

 
Sigh.
The peace sometimes lasts a full 10 minutes.
But we're grateful for any peace, calm and quiet we can get while the husband and I read newspapers and sip coffee in the kitchen downstairs.

Tomorrow a meeting with my boss awaits at 9h00.
And it's scaring the bejesus out of me.
Long sigh.
 
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To me

Art is the attempt to reinvent that which brings dissatisfaction.

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C'est Le Weekend: Run-run-run-run-runaway

The two major highlights of the week were Son#1's escape attempts from school.
Tuesday he made it all the way home, and Thursday...  well, he gave it a good shot.

Apparently, on Tuesday he fell in the mud at school, thought that everyone would laugh at him, and ran all the way home.
Luckily the school called and I could intercept Houdini on the road behind our house.

Thursday, he again fell in some mud, but this time got angry and tried to bust his way out of the playground.
I was called and told that if this continues, I would need to make other arrangements for him during the long lunch break in the afternoons.  (Many kids go home for lunch in the Netherlands)
Sigh.
Today Son#1 has a school outing to the Biesbosch, and his anxiety for boats and all things H2O, are making me worried.
I'm still debating keep him home this morning.
It's not been his week, I'm afraid.

We'll take it easy this weekend.
The husband is planning on practicing maths with Son#1, leaving me with the husband's bank card (didn't I tell you, honey???), and Son#2 and #3 to entertain.
Might go to Slot Loevenstein again, but only if we can convince Son#1 that we won't take the boat this time.



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Arty Farty

What strikes me is the fact that in our society, art has become something which is only related to objects, and not to individuals, or to life.

- Michel Foucault 

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Thank you, Mary Peach

On the outbound flight to South Africa in February to see my parents, Son#3 and I sat next to a real-life, Hollywood actress - a most delightful and kind woman, Mary Peach.

She played 'Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear' with Son#3, we talked at length about cancer and our lives and how things turn out alright in the end.

Thank you, Mary.  
I think of you often.


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Something's Fishy

Monday:  Tough.
Tuesday:  Mmmmm.  I don't know yet.

I'm pinning all my money on calm and peace, but I'm not sure how it will all turn out.
Something's fishy in the universe, can feel it in my bones.

Perhaps all is well, and I'm just tired.
And cranky.
Who can tell?

I'm dropping the kids off at their various schools, then returning home for a nice day of studying.
Might not sound like fun to you, but it sounds like a helluvalotta fun to me.

Tea and textbooks.
Perfect.


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Ooooh yeah

Ay caramba

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Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo turned out to be quite an ordeal.
And so did finding our way home again.
Road works, detours and fighting kids.

Just for clarity:  Nemo as in the Science Museum in Amsterdam - not some sunny, positive little orange fish in Sydney, Australia.
More's the pity.

There is lots to do in Amsterdam on this one degree Celsius-day, and for that I am grateful.

But, the city lacks a gentility and kindness that I crave.

The boys had fun, Son#1 participated in a lab experiment - complete with lab goggles and white coat, Son#2 and #3 fiddled with buttons and whatnot to their little hearts' content.

 And they had good coffee and a decent restaurant where we sat while Son#2 and #3 toddled off to press aforementioned buttons.

Pity about our stress levels and fights and inability to handle noise in confined spaces.

I so wish we could actually enjoy spending time together.

Sigh. 

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Words to Live By

Only problem:

Today it's not looking after kids

but living in a warm country sipping wine.

Sigh.

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C'est Le Weekend: The Prodigal Husband Returns

The husband is coming back from the States today!
Yay!!!

The kids are excited.

I am excited.

Hell, I even think the cat and the house plants are excited.

Spring is delayed for another week or so - snow is on its way again, but I don't really give a damn, because the husband is almost back.

On a plane as I write.

 

It's been a tough week on my own with all the boys.

They were sweet, really, but I was not. 
Son#3 DID NOT SLEEP.

I feel sorry for myself and the kiddos.

I saw the acupuncturist again who was disappointed in me for not adjusting my eating habits accordingly.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Pull up your blooming socks, Yo.

 

Something's coming and I would like to be prepared.

I can feel it in my bones.

Healthy.

Happy.

Better. 

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Humph

It was just one of those days where you're either ready to hurl yourself off a precipice, or someone else.
Thankfully I did neither, but boy oh boy, I bawled my eyes out yesterday.
Publicly.

Son#2 had to see the ophthalmologist and turned out to be almost as blind as a bat.
He's getting glasses.
We went to pick out bright blue, glow-in-the-blooming-dark glasses (I kid you not) to suit his colourful personality.
He would look strange in more serious, real, grandpa-type glasses.
Sigh.
Our ladykiller with his Surfer-Dude looks and born-with-a-sixpack will be all of the abovementioned, but then with glasses.

I cried in the waiting room, sending Son#1 off to find toilet paper for me.
Not just for the blooming glasses, but for life in general.
My poor kids.
I'm buggering them up.
Big time.

Then we rushed to Son#1's swimming classes so he could get his [expletive, expletive] swimming diploma without which you are bound to die in the next flood in The Nether Lands, or without which you will surely FAIL everything you attempt in your life.
The kid won't drown.
He can doggy paddle and swim underwater.
Give him his damn diploma, puh-lease.
But no.
Another 3 months' worth of lessons at €160,00 per month and maybe, maaaaaaaybe, he'll be allowed to swim his bloody exam in June.
Oh hell, just insert a litany of more expletives.  
As many as you can think of.
For my sake. 

You might have noticed from my swearing tone that I had a crappy day.
You would be right in that.

Meanwhile the husband is fighting his own gastroenteritis demons in the States.
Feel better, love.

The only illuminated point for the day was the afternoon sunshine and kids playing outside.

And my 3 glasses of who-gives-a-crap-what-it-tastes-like-as-long-as-it-contains-alcohol wine.
Yum yum. 

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We're moving in

Think I'm taking the husband,kids and parents and moving into Villa Augustus.

I love it.

Love it.

I love the food.

I love the garden.

I love the way it looks and feels.

Like it's one of my children.

 

I promise this will be my last post on this subject.

(I think)

But I almost feel like breaking into Depeche Mode's I just can't get enough.

Which clearly shows my age category, doesn't it?

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Words to Live By

Yup.

Hello, Nervous Breakdown.

I'm not that afraid or insecure (or am I?), but John Lennon is right some of the time.

I constantly need something to keep me busy.

All The Time.

It's a pity though.

I think there is much wealth in solitude and not-having-a-constant-bee-in-your-bonnet.
Some of the time.

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Ready

I'm sorry for my silence.
The husband is in the States, and I'm running around.
It is hard for me to calm and quiet down at the moment.
Must be Spring: something is waiting to push and break through, but what that might be, remains a mystery for now.
As long it's not Sigourney Weaver's Alien, I'm o.k.

Yesterday I took all the boys to school, then drove to Rotterdam. I actually planned to go to an art museum, but they were all closed.

Oh well.
I went to a bookshop instead and had lots of coffee and a bagel (naughty, naughty, I must not eat bread).

But it was nice, quiet, and I bought a wonderful second-hand book on cacti, with hand-printed illustrations for 3 bucks. 

GORGEOUS.

And an Alt-J CD because I'm not having enough of a midlife crisis.
Nice.



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Solitude

It's a beautiful thing.

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C'est Le Weekend: Fly, Fly Away

The husband left for New Orleans this morning.
Will miss him being here.
There is so much comfort in being with someone you love.
You don't have to speak, converse - but that being there:  That's precious stuff.

I'm left home alone with Thing#1 to #3, and I have no idea how we will fill our time.
This morning is covered:  I'm taking Thing#3 to an indoor play center with a friend of mine.
The afternoon is blank.
Will stick the kids in front of the TV and myself in front of the Wine.
Sounds good to me.

As you can see, the acupuncturist didn't kill me.
It was actually super interesting and quite painless.
Had about 20 needles stuck into my hands, legs and feet.
Then a heat lamp was placed over my feet and stomach and I was left alone for 25 minutes.
Afterwards, I felt 'light' and tingly, but this might have been my imagination.
I got some dietary advice (no bread, milk, cheese, sugar, leafy salad greens, but lots of water, tea, some gentle exercise, eating every 2 hours - yeehah! - and making those meals warm ones).
I gorged on biscuits and bread last night, and Praise My Lucky Stars, wine is still allowed or I would have run off - needles or not.

All in all, it has been a somewhat challenging week in which I felt stressed out and scared, and I hope the coming week will be kind to us all.
I just want to spend time in my pajamas, and feel heat enveloping me.
It's not too much to ask, is it?

Have a good weekend!