Stick it to me

The day of reckoning:  I'm going to see the acupuncturist.

We've been up since 3 a.m. with Thing#1 and Thing#2, the husband had a meltdown, I took it out on Thing#2, and it's not even 8 o'  clock yet.

The husband is flying to the United States tomorrow, where he'll be speaking at a conference with Bill Clinton.
Think I might have mentioned this before, but hell, I'm proud.

On this side of the Atlantic, I sincerely hope that we'll be o.k. with each other.  
I'm tired of being angry with the boys, and that conversation with my boss on Monday pushed my frustration-levels with the boys up.
I have to admit it:  I take my stress out on my kids, and I hate that.
Hope the acupuncturist can help with my stress levels and won't hurt or kill me.

Wish me luck. 


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Return to us, Spring

I beseech you.

This teasing me, with showing a bulb or two pushing its head through soil...

It breaks my heart.

I can take the cold no more.

No more.

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That old devil

I had a conversation with my boss on Monday.
He told me that at one stage we'll have to start a re-integration process, but that I shouldn't worry about that for the moment.
Puh-lease.
Why mention it then??
To put it in perspective:  I've been away from work for 3 weeks.
The first week I was actually still working.
The second week in South Africa, which certainly wasn't a holiday, but a necessary connection with my family, and well, last week was a rude awakening back in the Netherlands.
Where were the restful moments???
Haven't seen many of those yet, I'm afraid.

Don't you know that it's probably not the best idea in the world to push anyone with a burnout??
Heart palpitations and nausea back in full force.
Sigh.

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Words to live by

Oh yes!

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Squatter Camp

Plus squatters with guns & bear-back-up in their underwear.

Oh dear.

The neighbourhood has gone to pot.

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Sage

Son#1, a.k.a. The Sage, told a friend yesterday that his grandfather is sick, but that his grandfather is so strong that he can lift him with one finger.
This is the same son who told me that I was pregnant with Son#3, before I even knew about it.
Strange.
Must be true then.

The husband and I are attending a colleague's party tonight.
Not really in the mood, but I said I would go, and it might be nice to get out a bit.

Next week I would like to start studying in earnest, in between quite a few appointments, one which is with an acupuncturist.
Scary.
I can't really say that my stress levels have gone down since I stopped working three weeks ago, but I am nicer with the boys, and I hope that whatever this transformation is, that this being nicer-part will stick at the end of the day.
I hope this process will have been worth it, but I can't imagine it not being so.
Right?


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C'est Le Weekend: Dipping Deep and Low

Yesterday I had a conversation with a Mindfulness coach / psychologist.  
He said I mentioned the word 'unfair' a number of times.  
(I hate it when they of more wisdom than I, do that).
We talked about how people get sick or things happening to kids or anyone innocent for that matter (which most of us are, I suppose).

I grew up in Reformed Protestant South Africa.
My parents weren't Bible-bashing people, but believed in God in their own way.
I no longer believe in God, at least I don't think I do, but I still think and hope that there is someone or something out there that we can petition when we are in trouble or need help.
Yet I still subscribe to that idea of fairness.  
Life has to be fair, right?
We were taught that we serve a just god, therefore the punishment and events in our lives must surely then also be deserved and fair?
Culture is based on the idea of fairness.
Judicial systems all over the world are based on the idea of fairness.
Punish the bad, reward the good.
You steal something in Bahrein and your hand gets chopped off.
You work hard in your job and you hopefully get promoted or praised.
We raise our kids this way.
But life is not fair.
Bad things happen all the time.
To good and bad alike.
Even Hitler must have done good deeds at some point in his life before he screwed it all up.

Rationally, I know this, even if it doesn't resound emotionally yet.
And lately, I'm more of the Buddhist-way-of-thinking that life is suffering, and the acceptance of that is the only way that could lessen that suffering.   
The Four Noble Truths.
But it doesn't mean that I like the suffering part.

I know that life, death, happiness, sadness, good, bad, pain and relief are part and parcel of living, and is an inevitable destiny for all those that wander this earth.
But I struggle to accept this fact.

Today, I struggle.  

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Useless, I know

And now it is Thursday already, while I promised to be back on Tuesday.
Forgive me.
I have many faults.

My trip with Son#3 to South Africa was great.
We didn't do very much, but that was a good thing for my burned out brain.
Every day fell into a rhythm of getting up, having tea and fruit, then rambling on until it was time for lunch somewhere in a restaurant.
Outside.
Because it was bloody hot in South Africa.
Then home, Vivaldi or Karl Jenkins, dinner where I ate too much, and bed.
Bliss.

I have many regrets, though.
One is that the trip wasn't longer.  A year would not have been long enough.
Another is that I couldn't smuggle my parents into my suitcases.
Or that the husband and Son#1 and #2 didn't get to go along.

But I'm also glad about a number of things.
My dad is looking spiffing and well.  Go Daddy-O!
My parents live in a lovely, secure new home.
They love each other and I them.
Son#3 enjoyed one-on-one time with me and stole his grandparents' hearts.
Our plane left Port Elizabeth and I didn't break down hysterically like I wanted to.
We made a victory flight over the Nelson Mandela Bay, and watched the sunset over distant mountains from our window seats.

 

Sigh.

Back in the Netherlands, I've started my meditation-course, found out I weigh about the same as I did when 6,5 months pregnant, and I'm mostly thankful for seeing my little family again and not having to rush back into the stress of work and supertight schedules.
I get to breathe, for now.

Good enough for today, methinks.


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Do it like the Africans Do

At my parents'.

It is blissful.

We sleep.

We eat.

We talk.

Will be back again next week.

We're flying back on Sunday, landing on Monday, and I will faithfully return to my blog on Tuesday.

Promises, promises.

This is it

Son#3 and I are leaving at 12h30.

My kind in-laws are coming to take us to the airport.

First a final check on everything in my suitcase.

Then taking Son#1 and Son#2 to school.

Breakfast in Breda.

Fetching my sandals at the shoe-fix-person.

Home.

Coffee.

A sandwich for the young one.

And then we go.

Africa.

 

At the other end of that water there.

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All my bags are packed

I'm ready to go.
(Poetic license:  Thank You John Denver)

My in-laws have kindly offered to take me to the airport and see Son#3 and I off to South Africa tomorrow. I feel so relieved - I was so worried about managing the buggy, the baggage and my hand luggage on my own (the husband has to work).
Can't believe that I will see my parents and brother and niece and sister-in-law in just 2 more days.
Can't wait. 

I've been beaten by the Cold-bug, and am sniffling and sleeping with my mouth open, waking every time drool escapes the corner of my mouth.  
Sigh.
So much for feeling sexy and wanton.

Son#1 and Son#2 slept in our room last night - Son#1 is anxious about school and life in general, dissolving into tears after a heart-to-heart last night, and Son#2 is just Satan.  
He woke at 3 a.m. realizing that his brother wasn't there, and then started screaming in his loud voice until the husband lost it and I chose the middle ground:  allowing him to bunk down in our room as well.
Of course nobody slept again until 6.
Lawdy Lawdy Lawd, give us strength.


Today I have to tie up all loose ends - meaning that I have to pay accounts (swearing like a sailor), and mark 40 essays by students (even more swearing) that I put off from last week.
Needless to say I haven't started relaxing yet.
Don't know how or when it will happen, but surely, it will come.
Won't it? 

 

Coffee Break

And they actually listened this time.

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It's a War Zone out there

 

Eat your heart out, Lao Tzu.

This one has no legs:

The evil commander issuing orders safely from the back.

(Then again, I'd also be scared on the front lines with no legs).

And of course, the Mastermind behind this scheme of 

Death and Destruction.

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Bless the husband

The man is a genius.

An improvised castle to occupy Demon#1 and Demon#2 who have been driving me nuts today.

Increasingly so.

As I write, Number 1 is standing in the corner, steaming up my bloody clean windows and drawing figures in them.

I feel like growling.

Of the deep, Exorcist-type.

Number 2 asks for food and all other impossible things all the time.

And that for a freaking Sunday.

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The Stuff of Miracles

I slept like a babe.

All thanks to a heady cocktail of Lucovitaal's Melatonin, 5-HTP and L-tryptophan.

In case you can't find this, I will list the ingredients for you:

200 mg Valerian extract

400 mg L-tryptophan

100 mg Griffona extract (10% 5-HTP)

40 mg Fish oil

18 mg Vitamin B3

12 mg Vitamin B6

6 mg Vitamin B5

0,1 mg Melatonin

50 mcg Biotin

50 mg Passionflower extract

I top this off with another 3 mg of Melatonin and wake up feeling like I've been on a lovely trip somewhere.

Blissful!

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He glows

He really does.

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C'est Le Weekend: Friendly

It's a dreary day in the Netherlands, but it started well, and so far - as it continues - so good.
I met up with a friend and her son at an indoor play center this morning, then rushed to pick up Son#1 and Son#2 plus friend, and went to (cue angelic singing) Ikea with all 4 kids in tow.
My middle name is Bravery.

I dumped the oldest 3 at Smaland, then walked around with Son#3 for a while.
Now we're all home, waiting for the friend to be picked up by his mom.
At least, I hope she shows up.
We didn't really make any plans to end the play-date and I'm worried we'll be stuck with said friend for the weekend.
You never know.

Hope the weather will improve.  
The husband is going to see Spinvis tonight (jealous) and I'm going to bed early again, tripping on Melatonin and L-tryptophan.  All natural, dahling.
Perhaps we'll go eat pancakes on Sunday, to prematurely celebrate Son#2's birthday, who will be turning 5 while I'm in South Africa.

Calm and Peace.
Calm and peace.
Sigh.


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