Guide to writing Romance Novels

Seeing as I have considerable experience in Romance Novels (hide the intellectual guffaws, please, I have feelings too) by now, I've made a guide for any aspiring romance novelists out there.

You will need:

1. A heroine.  She must have a bold streak, be defiant, have big boobs and a small waist, be a beauty, albeit in her own way, come from money or secret money or money unknown to her.  Has to be a virgin.  Even if married before.  (I know... what the hell???)

2.  A hero.  He must be tall, blond or dark, exceptionally handsome, must have a broad chest and well-defined muscles, must be a man of influence, others look up to him for decision-making, has money and ample power, usually a castle and large entourage.  The hero is never short, round or puny. 

3.  A timeframe.  This is either the Dark Ages, The Middle Ages, or The Renaissance up to the 1880s, sometimes modern day mixed with fantasy (but that's not that generally that good).

4.  A setting.  Includes grand property of some sort.  Horses are always in the picture.  Servants galore.  Country homes and travel are often a feature.  Traveling is almost never safe.

5.  A crisis or twenty.  There is always a mean woman in the picture, generally jealous.  A threat to either the hero or heroine's life.  There is always revenge in one of its guises. 

6.  Some resistance.  Either on the part of the hero or heroine.  The heroine generally can't believe that she is loved. (Oh ye women of little self-confidence), the man had other plans.

There you have it.
In a nutshell.
Now go forth and scribble!


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