Wisdom

Since this entire Exhaustion/Burnout episode started, I've been teetering on the ledge just between Adrenal Buzzing and Downright Depression.
I find I am either shaking like a leaf and just feeling plain useless.
Next week I'm starting my Zen meditation classes and I'm flying to South Africa. 
Busy busy busy.

Can't really say that I've let go of work, but then I didn't expect to either, and in March I have meetings with the director of our faculty to discuss the future of Forensic Science, ahem, aren't I just bloody important.

Anyway.
I had such a lovely chat with my very wise mother yesterday.
We spoke about life and death, how things start and stop, yin and yang and how we balance on the cusp of opposites all the time.
We came to the conclusion (a la Louise Hay and her Affirmations-theory) that we only have NOW and this is all that counts. 

We have no history.
We have no future.
It's only now.

Every day is like a new Spring day, full of possibilities and hope.
And if you wake up, it's yours to be enjoyed.

I really need to remember this, with a grateful heart.

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Finding time for Silence

Check.

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Words to live by

Aaaaah yes sir, I can boogie.

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The Start of Simplicity

My first day being sick.

This will be a simple time with simple pleasures.

Solitude.

Getting rid of stuff.

Clinging to the good.

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Hummm hummmm and Being Calm

As you can see, I have finally caught up (well, a little bit, then) with technology and will henceforth use Instagram if all else fails.

The snow is still outside but now the rain has also set in, and beautiful as winter can be (on a postcard when you're busy sipping margheritas on a beach with your feet in warm sand), I'm fed up with it now.

Luckily for me, sorry husband, I'll be in South Africa in less than two weeks to visit my parents with Son#3.

Bliss. 

Now if I can only let go of work and stress and just be calm instead of having this racing feeling in my head and heart palpitations, then everything will be just dandy.

I'm thinking of starting Zen meditation classes in Breda, and I would also like stay in a monestary for a weekend in April.

Have to guard against planning everything full to the brim again, though.

This being my downfall at the moment.

Tired of myself.

Sigh.

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We love each other

Of this I am sure.

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View of the fields behind our house

Bitterly cold out there.

Minus 13 degrees.

Thank heavens for our warm beds and heaters and tolerance of small children.

 All the people without heating or sustenance to warm their bones.

Those poor souls.

A lot to be grateful for, in this life.

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Friday and we sigh a sigh of pure relief

I think I've mentioned how having a nervous breakdown is hard work.
This week, I saw the doctor at work, the shrink, and the jury is unanimous: 
Burnout.
Exhaustion.

I'm getting 4 weeks off work to recuperate.

On the one hand, I'm sososo glad that I finally took the step and admitted that I'm faililng miserably at juggling all these balls that give me so much stress.
On the other hand, I feel like a failure and that I'm letting everyone down.

But.
Big but(t).
The part of my brain that is still capable of rational thought, realizes that my methods of coping with all the stressors, are simply not effective anymore.
And that necessitates change.

Dear reader, 

• when you haven't slept for 5,5 years
• if you lie awake worrying how the hell you're going to get through the month, the week or the day
• if you start sweating for no reason
• have heart palpitations
• and shaky hands
• if you turn into Satan when addressing your kids or people in traffic
• and every little nonsensical thing sets you off in a rage
• or if you simply can't muster the blooming energy to get up in the morning

Then a word of advice:

Things are not going well.

I missed the signs, and ended up here.

Now just to find a really positive twist and twang to add to this period of my life, and it will all be worth it in the end.
The purpose-driven life.
It will be mine.

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Lazy days

Playing.

Playing.

Playing.

And never cleaning up.

Sigh.

I long for

Peaceful mornings at Ikea.

Just me, tea, and my ebook.

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Off to a fitful start

The work weekend away was good.
I like driving in solitude, and 400 km on your own is super.
There was lots of snow, and hills and snowy slopes to traverse on foot and by car.
The colleagues were positive.

I ate too much and stayed up a bit too late, but that's o.k.
We went for a long, beautiful walk through snowy dales, and went to a great Indonesian restaurant on Saturday night, in Vaals.

The Sons of Anarchy awoke very early this morning, and I went to bed late (lovely), and Son#3 is teething or something, not sure what, but he's howling away.
The good mother gave him paracetomol and cookies.
 
Today it's back to work, prepping all that needs to be done before the next academic quarter starts again next week.
Deep sigh. 


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Words to live by

How true!

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C'est Le Weekend: You can have it all

Good and bad, you know.
This has been a tough week, but also an eye-opener.

I have a good husband.
I have good kids.
I have good parents.
I have good colleagues.

And snow is beautiful.

Tomorrow morning, I'm taking the husband's big car and driving to Belgium for the team weekend.
Am taking a day off today (when I was supposed to go).
Tomorrow is another day.
Mañana, mañana.

Have a good, warm weekend, wherever you might be.

Our house

In the middle of our street.

(It's the white one, on the right)

Protestant Church etched against the dawn.

Another cold one awaits us.

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Impressions of Snow

Simply gorgeous outside.

And cold.

Minus 11 Celsius ain't for sissies.

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Phew, done and dusted!

Thank goodness.
Two of my courses (in fact, my last courses) for this academic quarter finished today.
All that is left now, is marking everything and preparing for the next quarter.

Slowly but surely I am extricating myself from work.
Bit difficult to let it go, though.
But I've made the decision to put my working life on hold for a wee bit, and I'm seeing my GP for this on Wednesday.
Having a nervous breakdown is hard work.

Meanwhile the Netherlands is covered in snow and this weekend I'm away (again...) for a team weekend somewhere in Belgium.

Sigh.
One thing at a time, right?



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I'll say it again

And I'll keep saying it.

Today and this week:

Physiotherapy
Work into Oblivion
Marking Exams
Preparing for the next academic term
(if I survive but also in case I don't)
Finishing off the past two academic quarters
and
finding time for becoming calm.
 

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Solid

Son#1 went for his first sleep-over at a friend's house last night - a girl, might I add.
We won't be allowing that in a couple of years' time...

The husband is sleeping late for a change and Son#2, Son#3 and I are having a royal breakfast.
Later on, I'll be going to Ikea to get a carpet for the living room, and hopefully to dump the kiddies at Smaland so I can drink coffee in peace and people-watching quiet.

I'm reading Tammy Strobel's You can buy happiness (and it's cheap too) about simplifying your life.  Downsizing it, in fact.  Less stuff.  More relationships.
I like the simple life, and I admire voluntary simplicity in all its forms.  It's the anti-consumerism that appeals to me greatly.  
And you don't need to take it very far, as is the case with Tammy Strobel (and her choices are not too far either - just farther than what I would choose for the circumstances for our lives right now - we need space for 3 growing boys). 

But all the physical crap that surrounds me in every room of our house is weighing me down.
More things that I feel guilty about either for:
a) buying in the first place
b) never cleaning
c) -big one- never even using...

Less is More.
Less stuff = more time to spend doing something else.
Something I might enjoy.


Think I'm chucking stuff away today.


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C'est Le Weekend: Sobriety

Back in the folds of home, husband and child.

The ethics course was informative, and I learned much.

Glad to be back home, though.

 The weekend will be busy with preparation for work next week.
And I have sleep to catch up.

It's very cold, but the sun is wonderful, and blue skies, a blessing. 

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Cargo

The week so far has been a tough one.
I've been to see the physiotherapist who is convinced that I have no fibromyalgia, but just a helluvalotof stress.
Stress.

Mmmm.
The realisation that I might just have a burnout and the realisation that I've been walking around like this for years, is daunting.
It might just be about time to admit that perhaps all is not as dandy as I thought it was, and that it really is time to lay some of that cargo I've been slugging around, down.

Had a great conversation with two colleagues, who both thought that yes, I do have a burnout, and one suggested that it might be a great idea to give myself the gift of a burnout.
That the burnout would give me time off work, and time to recuperate again from stress and heal my body.
The idea is growing on me.
The other colleague suggested I pick a date, and then after having finished all the work that I wanted to complete, I should then call in sick.
Gives my control freak-can't-let-anything-go-self a chance to plan my mental breakdown.
(And yes, I have to snigger when I write this).

Anyway.
I have the fervent belief that things will get better.
Eventually.
Even if it calls for drastic measures like admitting to myself that I do have a burnout and should tell my boss this news as well.

Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.


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Words to live by

I have a burnout.

It's official.

Sigh.

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Them old salt mines are callin'

The party's over.
Today it's back to work, and as I didn't do a stitch of work (like I was supposed to) during the Christmas break, I am going back to lots and lots of stress.

I have students writing exams (which I first need to compile).
I'm running behind on handing in all grades for the entire academic year so far.
I have two meetings today for which I am not prepared - at all.
And to top it all off, I'm going on an Ethics course on Thursday and Friday, for which I have to prepare as well, but have no idea how to, nor the blooming energy to even think about it.
I'll just have to wing it, I guess.

There are bigger problems in the world than my petty rubbish.
But still.

Wish me luck.
Please. 


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Villa Augustus in January

Date night with the husband.
We went to Dordrecht, to Villa Augustus, where I'd been with my parents in July.

The husband had Frito Misto, I had grilled veggies from the garden (theirs was cooked to perfection, mine is usually dry and chewy and definitely not so full of taste - will have to take cooking lessons from the talented brother in February), then we had Calzone, and finished off with Lemon & Lime Meringue.
LOVELY.

I love Villa Augustus.
There is no Design for Design's Sake.
It's 100% done with a Devil-May-Care-For-Design attitude.
I love the painted concrete walls.
The knives with the Villa Augustus hare on it.
I love the shop.
I love the gardens and the hotel, and I even love the WCs.

(Pity the boys all woke up when we came home and I only had 2,5 hours' of sleep, making that a total of 5,5 hours for the entire weekend, but I'll try not to focus on that...)

Go.
An experience, I promise you.


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Words to live by

Gotta love my Camus.

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C'est Le Weekend: Wrap it up

The time has come to take down all the Christmas decorations and take down the tree.
The husband and I didn't get presents, but I did buy myself cocktail glasses - 4 glasses for just six bucks.
Not too shabby.

Everyone should have at least one cocktail glass in their lifetime.
And the opportunity to use it.




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Recovery

We've only now begun to recuperate from New Year's Eve.
Sigh.

Not that we went to any parties or drank ourselves silly.

I mean, we did drink, just the two of us, which makes us seem a bit sad and alcoholic I guess, but it was really the fault of the teenagers next door with their batch of fireworks that did the trick.

 I feel like Scrooge:  I hate New Year's.
Can't remember ever actually having a great New Year's Eve.

All hell broke loose just before, and then again, just after midnight.
The first round of fireworks woke Son#3, and then the second round woke Thing#1 and Thing#2.

I refused to go outside and congratulate the neighbours on a new year, so I sat with all three boys in the windows looking at the fireworks.
We ooh-ed and aah-ed.

Unfortunately, Thing#1 and #2 don't sleep late when they go to bed late, so the husband was up early the next morning.
Son#3 and I slept until 10 a.m.
(Did I mention my husband is the best husband in the world?)

On January 1st we went to the beach for about 33 minutes.
It's an hour's drive, you know.

But then someone (I won't mention any names) threw a tantrum, then the husband and I threw tantrums and I said we're packing it in.
Here they are, just before Terminal Impact:

Blissful silence in a tense car followed us home.

But, it was lovely weather.
I drank great coffee.
Everyone (except us) was friendly.

It could have been worse.


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Domestic Worries

1913.
'Huishoudelijke zorgen'

Rik Wouters.

Them damn domestic troubles.

They had them back then too.

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Here we go

Well.
Here it goes then:  My goals for 2013.

1. I will be losing weight by eating well because I don't want diabetes and I'd like to feel good about myself for a change
2. I'm enrolling for an old university qualification that through laziness, I didn't complete.  I like to complete stuff, and now is as good a time as any.
3. I'm joining a yoga class again because yoga made me feel great.
4. I will spend more time dating my husband whom I adore.
5. I'm going to follow through on the physiotherapy that will help with reducing my stress levels (and doing anything and everything else to aid this goal which is a biggie)

That's it.
These 5 goals, and my life should improve a bit more, don't you think?

Wishing you a good, contented, healthy, calm year with nice people in it, great opportunities and the kindness to think of others who have less than we do.
Have a good one!


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