New word, new hope

This suits my ever-questioning personality down to a tee.

Sigh.

How strange to start the day knowing I don't have to study for anything.
Son#3 and I are going to the doctor so she can listen to his lungs.
I have a fever but feel fine otherwise.

I had meetings with the school teachers of Son#1 and #2 yesterday.
Son#2 is doing fantastically well - can mathematize anything, reading WELL, behaving like a trooper (at school, harhar). 
Son#1's teacher still recommends that we get help - SOON.
He is a dominating presence in class, back-chats the teachers during breaks (Earth, please swallow me), refuses to stick to rules, doesn't always follow instructions.
We HAVE to get help now.
And it might be a good thing.
Son#2 lives in #1's constant shadow, always seeking his approval and guidance.
Academically, Son#1 is capable of much more, although his grades are excellent as they are.
But if he's not interested, then it ain't interesting...

We worry and slalom around and over tantrums and cheekiness and wonder why, WHY did we ever think we would be okay at parenting.
Sometimes loving someone is not sufficient to be symbiotic.

Who knows, perhappiness we'll have a good day.


.

 

.

Rotterdam, take #2

I struggled yesterday.

Sigh.

At least I tried.

Now it's 7 a.m. and I'm waiting for the exam venue to open so I can write the last exam and turn into a human being again.

I love Rotterdam.

I love cities.

Love.

.

Winging it

My exam in an hour.

Cold but sunny in Rotterdam today.

Didn't study much - the husband went to the doctor this morning after nearly 6 days with a helluva fever: pneumonia (a big one).

Later, home and then I will start (and I mean that literally) with studying for my final exam tomorrow morning.

Why do I have 'studying'  as hobby?

Why not cooking?

Or knitting??

.

Purpose

Sometimes there is purpose.
Even if it means that - in order to get to Purpose - I had to stand guard in the upstairs hallway like a damn Storm Trooper at 4-freaking-a.m. to make sure that Son#2 will not wake Son#1 and eventually, Son#3 (which he did then anyway).

While I stood there, I looked on the internet and I don't know how I got onto a website for Low Dose Naltrexone - I wasn't searching for fibromyalgia relief although my pain has been in overdrive the last weeks - but it seems damn promising.
It is even prescribed for cancer, including multiple myeloma, which could have helped my dad.
Methinks I'll be seeing my doctor later this week.

The good husband is still sick, feverish and pale.
I had a stress attack yesterday with 3 boys who made noise, a mess and fought constantly.
A lot of studying lies in wait.
Sigh.
I miss my mother.



.

C'est Le Weekend: Bop & Jive

The poor husband has been in the throes of fever for the past 3 days.

Both he and Son#3 have been afflicted.

Poor things.

It does complicate things a bit.

I'm writing exams on Monday and Tuesday and have yet to study for it.

Between starting my days at 1 or 2 in the mornings and work troubles and tantrumic children who throw things when angry (Son#2) and a back-chatting pre-teen (Son#1 - he's not even 10 forgodssakesssssss!!), and Son#3's chattering and requests for juice/biscuits/attention, I can tell you that I ain't gettin' all that much done.

Oi.

I've made the decision to actively start looking for a new job.

Call it the Seven Year Itch [at this faculty].

The Itch must be appeased.

(I feel that this sentence above should be said loudly, in the rich timbre of a Black Southern Baptist preacher in a blue suit, with a 'Praise Jesus' thrown in at the end for good measure)

Life is too damn short to work with idiots.

.

Oh crap

I had a very, very tough day.
This morning I had an assessment with my boss who then proceeded to 'put me in my place' for speaking up at that faculty meeting way back in August.
It came out of nowhere and I was utterly unprepared.
I don't know what to say.
I have some wonderful colleagues but this is a high stress job that requires a helluvalot of personal time input from me, and, after today's humiliation, I don't know why I'm clinging on to this particular job.
Especially if you fall out of favour with management (the director NEVER greets me)...

I came home, bawled my eyes out and started looking for a new job on the internet.
I even found something interesting.

I'm afraid this whole thing will still continue at work, as the coordinator is backing me up and won't be backing down to management, but I lack the energy for this.
Nor do I have the facility of language - quick arguments in Dutch are not my forte.
Nor am I looking forward to yet another humiliating blow.

Fly, fly away. 


.

A year of travelling

It has been an expensive year.

I went to South Africa.

We've been to Portugal, France, Germany and in 3 weeks' time, I'll be going to Copenhagen for a very, very short trip but a trip nonetheless.

 

 

 I wish I had endless money to travel far more often than the ridiculous amount in this past year alone.

Sigh.

 

I have big expenses coming up again in terms of studies, Sinterklaas (whom I detest) and my much-anticipated trip to see my friend Estelle for one night in Copenhagen.

And for the moment, I'm making do with dresses and pants that are just a wee bit too big but still doable, I think.

 

Son#3 and I are home this morning, and perhaps later we can go wash the car for the Wednesday Car Wash Special of 2 bucks fifty.

Bake biscuits at home for free entertainment (as in, we sit on the kitchen floor, staring at the oven door).

As one grows up, one learns where and when the bargains are to be sourced.

It becomes a game.

 

Only now do I realize the value that money has.

If I had started saving way back when in my twenties, instead of spending it on crap, I might have had a nice nest egg.

Might have, shmight have.

Right?

 

 

 

 

Tough Tuesdays

This morning at 10 a.m. I will have a meeting with a student.

One of those bad news meetings.

Sigh.

He's come to the end of his road at the university where I teach, and I'm the lucky sucker who gets to tell him all about it.

Poor kid.

 

 

I'm a big fan of the late bloomer, myself being one, and also coming from a long line of late, dreaming bloomers.

There are always chances and opportunities to change one's direction.

My parents, at 50, moved to the other side of South Africa, with no jobs in sight, and a brand new mortgage to pay.

It worked out well.

Sometimes you just need a bit of faith in the knowledge that things have a way of working themselves out.

There is a symbiosis in the universe, it seems.

Equilibrium is strived for, and attained through some strange cosmic process of osmosis.

It's just a question of waiting for it.

(And having the patience to do so)

 

 

.

Triangles are my favourite shape

 

The mathematical symbol for change.

I like it.

 

 

.

Sunday Alone

The good husband took all 3 boys with him to my mother-in-law's birthday party, leaving me alone to study and work.

Bliss.

 

 

I washed my hair, actually studied and prepared for the new academic block that starts tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.

 

It's not even 6 p.m. and it's already darkdarkdark outside.

I wonder what time my family will be back.

The house is quiet, and while it is nice to be home alone during daytime, at night it feels lonely.

 

In this quiet pocket, my thoughts speak loudly, and they're far removed from who I used to be a year and then some-ago.

Everything must change.

Nothings stays the same.

(Thank you, Nils Landgren)