To the New Year

So this is the sound of you

here and now whether or not

anyone hears it this is

where we have come with our age

our knowledge such as it is

and our hopes such as they are

invisible before us

untouched and still possible.

W.S. Merwin

Goodbye then, you shitty old utterly crap year, 2013.

Sayonara, Shithead.

(Pardon my language, but honesty & swearing... it's liberating as Hell)

(I ♥ Swearing, and do it well)

And rhyming as well it seems.

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The Arrow of Time

It's called entropy, the arrow of time:  the introduction of randomness that cannot be undone.
A glacier moves along down a valley over a period of time, but its movement cannot be undone again to put it back exactly as it was.
Things have changed significantly.
There is no going back. 

My mother and I talked about the arrow of time yesterday - about my dad being gone and how she can't go back, she couldn't go back even when he was still alive.
Things had changed, have changed irrevocably.
She feels sad because there is nothing she could do for him to make him better.
She can't do things to make him comfortable anymore.

 
We went to Arnhem yesterday, to the Open Air Museum, along with the rest of the Dutch Population.
We spent the day looking at old houses, clog-making, sliding down icy hills (yes, real hills) on giant tubes, ice skating, and all the while drinking gluhwein, you know, just to stay warm.
Son#3 fell twice:  Bloody nose and scraped knees, pants ruined, shirt stained.

We drove home, accompanied by the most beautiful sunset, missing my dad.
Where is he now?
Bit by bit, the realization hits me that he is gone.
A minute reflection on this awful fact, squishes the tears from my eyes, clenches my chest.

The arrow of time keeps moving along its original planned path it seems, and tomorrow this shitty year will end.
We are sending off 2013 on a farm about 45 minutes from here.
There are bedsteads for the boys, and a living room for the big people so we can sip our champagne in peace, putting good things out into the universe.
Good things for all of us, everyone we know, semi-know and don't know.

The boys and I went for breakfast in Breda, then grocery (wine, haha) shopping, an ice cream and home again.
We wrestled in the restaurant, and I was thoroughly kissed by #1 and #2 for my valiant wrestling efforts.
Now TV.
Paying bills.
Coffee and love.


.

Because you have to

Buy flowers today.

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Things can change

I spent the day in pain.
I was so clever as to start doing body squats on Thursday and paid the price.
I'm in bad shape.
Baaaaaad shape.

But I keep whining over petty things, while people are fighting to just live a wee bit longer.
To stay with their loved ones, to see their kids grow, to have their llittle families be together for a while longer.
This afternoon, the husband took Son#1 and #2 to a museum close to the German border.
I tried calling and calling, but no answer.
And I know it might be because my dad passed away 8 weeks ago, but I felt frantic at the mere thought that they might have been in an accident.
Frantic.

Tonight I gave all the boys loooong kisses, snuggled next to the husband while watching cheesy Xmas movies.
Ignorant in the uncomplicatedness of it all.
The normalcy.

Roos, I don't know you, might never meet you, but if you need anything I would so like to help.
It's there if you need it.



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Chekhov on Boxing Day

The day at the in-laws was OK-ish.

The husband and I had a minor scuffle, quickly dissolved.

My father-in-law was not too grumpy.

The kids went ice skating and behaved exceptionally well.

We came home late, popped the kids in bed (who slept, thankfully).

Drank wine and phoned my mom.

This morning, a breakfast together.

I started reading Anton Chekhov's The Duel & Other Stories in the night when I couldn't sleep.

I'm a new fan.

Everyone should read Chekhov.

(That sounds so pretentious...  forgive me, but really, it's good stuff).

We might go for a walk in the woods close to Breda a bit later.

Watch a Christmas movie with the kids while stuffing our faces with popcorn.

Mostly doing nothing, and that's fine by me.

 The weather is dreary, but that's OK.

It's almost the end of this annus horribilus, and I can't wait.

On towards the good.

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Christmas

Our first Christmas with my dad gone.

How I wish my dad were with us still.
And that my mom could be here instead of 14 000 km away all the way down at the bottom of Africa.

A low-key day here in the Nether Lands:

We're off to the in-laws for good food and kindness.
My father-in-law is getting older, so is my mother-in-law, but his skin seems so grey lately, and I worry about him.

Hope your Christmas will be blessed.

And by blessed I mean that you have patience and love for others.

A grateful heart.
I hope I have those things too.

The world as I know it could all be so very much worse.

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Prudence above all else

Being the mostly Cash-Strapped Christmas, the only purchase I'll be making for the festive season will be a chicken for the Non-Vegetarian Husband, and a loaf of bread.
The children have been informed that there will be no Magical Gift-filled Sleigh visiting our house this year, and that's a good thing.
Screw you, Consumerism.
We have other plans.

 I did actually buy 3 gifts:  3 DVDs for one measly euro each at the pharmacy of all places, and the husband got free children's books at the petrol station every time he filled up his car, so there will be books and DVDs.
That's it.

The boys found my old squirrel-hole for useless gifts late yesterday afternoon, and unearthed 2 cheapskate viewfinders and a Playmobil figurine.
I was saving those for a rainy (desperate) day.
My biggest gift will be the fact that we are having Christmas dinner at the in-laws, meaning no expensive groceries or trying to cook if you can't, and entertaining which surely will require more practice on my part before it is satisfactory.
Phew. 

Prudence.
I strive towards the Cardinal Virtues if I can.
But mostly I can't.
See, I'm not Catholic.
Quit when you're ahead I say.

Walk the path of peace (well, try anyway)

A friend is coming over for a visit today.
Son#1 and #2 have been up since 5 a.m. - I was blissfully zonked out in deep sleep, thanks to a few sleepless nights.
Thank the gods for small mercies.

The boys are fighting.
Do all boys do that??
Ours fight like sailors.
Swinging, punching, name-calling.
All. Day. Long.

Son#2 is the worst of the scumbags now:  He doesn't listen.
Even screams at you:  I can't heeeeear you!
Sigh.

This is Holiday Hell.

The husband and I are trying to escape the house on the 31st.
We don't want to be home on New Year's.
It was such a crapcrapcrap year.
Next year HAS to be better.
Perhaps a hotel somewhere, just for one night.
Aaaaaaah.

And so

The night was short.
Late to bed, early to rise.
The husband off to Breda, Son#3 keeping me awake, and now, almost 9 in the morning, I'm trying my very best to motivate Son#2 to actually clean up the mess he's made.
Thank the lucky stars that Son#1 is being an angel this morning.
A veritable angel.

The running-away-factor is high today and I'm hoping the husband will be back early so I can do just that.

Meanwhile, I worry about my mom and how she's doing.
It's early days, and anything goes where grief is concerned.
It's been 7 weeks since my dad passed away, and it feels faaaaaar away but also incredibly near.
Raw at times.
And the last time that I saw him on the day of the funeral, is crystallizing in my mind.
The image becomes clearer and sharper.
He looked like a knight at rest.  
He was a knight.
Ours.

I'm hoping I can get through the day with not-too-noisy kids and lots of patience.
Hopefully we'll go out and do something. 
Perhaps I'll even have an hour or so to just sit, read, and think about life for a moment.


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C'est Le Weekend: Christmas Holiday

The boys had a Christmas dinner at their school last night, came home tired, and have stayed that way.

I've come to detest this time of year - it's a tiresome, long themed festival and no child sleeps well.

First Sinterklaas, now Christmas, then New Year's and the whole cycle of themed holidays will just start again.

It's only 9 o' clock and we've already had 4 tantrums, I've done the laundry and cleaned the entire kitchen and now I'm tired but drinking coffee.

Barf barf.

The school holidays start at midday, and then we have swimming lessons and dinner.

Son#1's rugby tonight.

Luckily I had the clarity of mind to tell a mom NO yesterday when she asked if I could take her son home with us today, which would have meant dragging another boy with us to said swimming lessons and putting up with him for at least 6 and a half hours after school.

Self-preservation.

You can't stop progress.

Hope your weekend will be GOOD, wherever you might be.